Monday, April 23, 2012
Gamma Knife - Take 2
We are very happy and relieved to have this second Gamma Knife procedure over with. It all went pretty well and I am once again very grateful that Manitoba is one of only three provinces which offers it. It was an early morning having to be there for 5:45 am. I didn't sleep much the night before feeling anxious about what was going to happen the next day so was up in plenty of time. My sister, Laura came and picked me up and we headed to the hospital. There were three of us in admitting and I could tell that the other two people were even more nervous than I was. The man sitting across from us was quietly singing Christmas carols to his wife trying to make her feel better. So sweet! Like he said though a little late for christmas songs. Still can't decide if it's easier the second time around because you know what to expect or harder because you know what to expect! One of my nurses was the same one I had last time and it was really nice having a familiar face there looking after me. I have been so lucky to have really fabulous nurses through Gamma. They call me every three months with my results and we have a little chat about how things are looking. She has taken the time to discuss things with me and reassure me which makes the whole process that much easier and I so appreciate it. This time I was the last to have my headframe put on.
After the headframe was attached I was taken down to MRI for my scan. There was talk that maybe one of the screws that was put in was too long. They paged another physicist and the neurosurgeon and in the end decided to replace it with a smaller one. Yikes!! I was not too happy about that but what can you do? He put the new one in and it wasn't too bad. They got me all hooked up and in place in the MRI machine and we got that part over with. It is such an exact science getting everything measured and lined up and took quite some time. My sister was very calming and comforting for me as at times I started to freak out a little bit. There is something about having a metal frame screwed into your head and then being secured into a metal tube that makes you feel a little freaked out. Go figure!! Anyway, it was time to head back to gamma knife so they give me my tool box and start wheeling me down the hall. I can only imagine what that looked like... It was very strange to be carrying this tool box which looked like they came out of someone's garage (only cleaner) and knowing that they actually used them on me. Weird!
So now we all got fed breakfast and waited as the doctors looked at our MRI's and came up with treatment plans for each of us. My other sister, Christine came and the three of us visited and laughed and I even did a little Zumba which must have looked hilarious because my sisters were killing themselves laughing. I went out to the washroom and got a few funny looks with my new headgear on. I almost went up and said, "What, do I have something in my teeth?" with a big grin which you could barely see through the metal contraption. Through all the laughter, I have to admit I was super nervous waiting. I just kept thinking of the worst case scenerio... They come back and say "sorry, the cancer has spread and we can't do anything for you", they take the frame off and send me home. I know I'm supposed to stay positive about everything but sometimes that fear sneaks in and I have to deal with it. So I brought myself back to reality.
The other two patients were told that their treatments would be around 20 minutes so that was good. Nice and quick. I start thinking to myself are they waiting to tell me because it's bad news? So I finally ask the nurse who goes and talks to the doctor. She comes back and let us know that everything looked good. The scan showed that the tumour had not grown or changed since my last MRI. What a relief! My treatment would only take 18 minutes! Much shorter than last time which was closer to an hour long. The surgeon came and talked to us and answered all of the questions that we had. It seems that I am weird which is a really good thing. It's what you want at this point - to be different. I had done a bit of reading up on brain stem metastasis and basically it is not a good thing. I was very relieved to hear my surgeon say that we would just keep on doing the brain scans and when something shows up get in right away for Gamma Knife. Simple.
I had gone out and picked up a CD to listen to - Ingrid Michaelson - one of my new favorites. The second song that came on was just right for this occasion *This is War*. A perfect cancer fighting song! "I won't surrender. I will fight better. You knocked me out. You knocked me down but I will find my way around. Someone's got to lose. It's not gonna be this girl this time." So many songs about heartbreak you can totally relate to having cancer after all cancer is like a bad boyfriend that breaks your heart again and then just won't go away right? So I listend to the first 4 or 5 songs on the CD in the Gamma machine and surgeon says as he's unhooking me, "If you want I can leave you in so you can listen to the rest." I'm like "No thanks. I'm good. I'll just listen to it when I get home." So they remove all the devices attached to me and take the screws out. Finally! What a relief. Now I should say that during Gamma Knife I felt nothing. The gamma rays beam in and all meet at the tumour and destroy it and I feel nothing. It's amazing. I am told to watch for swelling which sometimes happens in the first month after gamma. I would feel funny if this happens - lightheaded, dizzy, weird. This time the headache only lasted about 1/2 an hour and after a little lunch I was on my way home. I stopped by my Mom and Dad's to let them know that everything went well and that I was fine then I headed home for a nap. I had talked to Jeff earlier as he kept tabs on me through my sisters and he is always there for me if and when I need him. I am very fortunate to have all of this support and it makes it so that it's not always the same person carrying it all. We can spread it out a little bit. It works for us.
So then Friday rolled around and it was time for my bone scan. My doctor scheduled another batch of scans for me since the cancer spread we want to make sure that it's not anywhere else. I went in and had my injection of some kind of radioactive dye and then we went to Polo Park to do a little shopping. My sister got yelled at in Ricki's for touching the clothes hook. They seem to be very protective over that thing!! So crazy! Anyway, after a little shopping and some lunch we headed back to the hospital for my scan. It was very quick and we were home in no time. It was actually a really nice day! The weekend I was drained and feeling exhausted and Saturday morning I woke up with the right side of my face swollen. I could barely open my eye. I didn't worry too much about it because I was told that this could be one of the side effects of having the frame on in gamma. I went back to work on Monday and was actually feeling pretty good. My swelling went down and I had a pretty good week. Just a little more tired than usual. I have been walking every night and even started running a bit. Whenever I find out that the cancer is back I always go through this slump where I don't feel like doing anything and I eat whatever I want. What's the point sort of attitude. Then when I'm recovered a bit from surgery I get this blast of energy and feel like I need to move. I think that is my way of fighting back. Making me feel like I have some control in this. I end up feeling better because of it. This is where I am right now. I am feeling pretty great! I have my CT scan tonight and then next week I meet with my doctor to get all of my results. Will be so glad to know that there is nothing else going on in my body.
I want to say thank you for all of the prayers, good thoughts and positive energy being sent my way. It helps to have all of the love and support from all of you. I love the quilt that Auntie Debbie made with all of the well wishes and photographs on it. Thank you to everyone who contributed to it. It is beautiful and a reminder of how many are cheering for me and my family. The meals were much appreciated from my cousins, aunt and uncle. So nice to have them in the freezer and not have to worry about what to make for supper. The kids love them and they are really healthy and delicious too!! I am very grateful to the doctors and nurses looking after me and the technology which has made sure that I stick around longer than ever expected. Jeff and I have planned a road trip next month with the kids so we are very much looking forward to this getaway and to spending some time having fun together. This last month has been another stress filled one so once we get all the rest of my results back it will be nice to go and have some fun!
It's sometimes hard to find the good in life but usually if you look hard enough it is there. It may be just that the sun is shining or that your favorite movie is on TV or your favorite song on the radio. I will never forget laying in bed in the hospital waiting to have my colonoscopy and one of my favorite Bon Jovi songs comes on the radio "It's my life". It made it all seem somehow better. OK, life isn't so bad. Sometimes I have to dig a little deeper than other times but there is usually something there for me to hold on to. Oh, and when there's not there's always wine with gold flakes in it! That makes things seem better too!! (hee hee)
Love, laugh and have fun!!
After the headframe was attached I was taken down to MRI for my scan. There was talk that maybe one of the screws that was put in was too long. They paged another physicist and the neurosurgeon and in the end decided to replace it with a smaller one. Yikes!! I was not too happy about that but what can you do? He put the new one in and it wasn't too bad. They got me all hooked up and in place in the MRI machine and we got that part over with. It is such an exact science getting everything measured and lined up and took quite some time. My sister was very calming and comforting for me as at times I started to freak out a little bit. There is something about having a metal frame screwed into your head and then being secured into a metal tube that makes you feel a little freaked out. Go figure!! Anyway, it was time to head back to gamma knife so they give me my tool box and start wheeling me down the hall. I can only imagine what that looked like... It was very strange to be carrying this tool box which looked like they came out of someone's garage (only cleaner) and knowing that they actually used them on me. Weird!
So now we all got fed breakfast and waited as the doctors looked at our MRI's and came up with treatment plans for each of us. My other sister, Christine came and the three of us visited and laughed and I even did a little Zumba which must have looked hilarious because my sisters were killing themselves laughing. I went out to the washroom and got a few funny looks with my new headgear on. I almost went up and said, "What, do I have something in my teeth?" with a big grin which you could barely see through the metal contraption. Through all the laughter, I have to admit I was super nervous waiting. I just kept thinking of the worst case scenerio... They come back and say "sorry, the cancer has spread and we can't do anything for you", they take the frame off and send me home. I know I'm supposed to stay positive about everything but sometimes that fear sneaks in and I have to deal with it. So I brought myself back to reality.
The other two patients were told that their treatments would be around 20 minutes so that was good. Nice and quick. I start thinking to myself are they waiting to tell me because it's bad news? So I finally ask the nurse who goes and talks to the doctor. She comes back and let us know that everything looked good. The scan showed that the tumour had not grown or changed since my last MRI. What a relief! My treatment would only take 18 minutes! Much shorter than last time which was closer to an hour long. The surgeon came and talked to us and answered all of the questions that we had. It seems that I am weird which is a really good thing. It's what you want at this point - to be different. I had done a bit of reading up on brain stem metastasis and basically it is not a good thing. I was very relieved to hear my surgeon say that we would just keep on doing the brain scans and when something shows up get in right away for Gamma Knife. Simple.
I had gone out and picked up a CD to listen to - Ingrid Michaelson - one of my new favorites. The second song that came on was just right for this occasion *This is War*. A perfect cancer fighting song! "I won't surrender. I will fight better. You knocked me out. You knocked me down but I will find my way around. Someone's got to lose. It's not gonna be this girl this time." So many songs about heartbreak you can totally relate to having cancer after all cancer is like a bad boyfriend that breaks your heart again and then just won't go away right? So I listend to the first 4 or 5 songs on the CD in the Gamma machine and surgeon says as he's unhooking me, "If you want I can leave you in so you can listen to the rest." I'm like "No thanks. I'm good. I'll just listen to it when I get home." So they remove all the devices attached to me and take the screws out. Finally! What a relief. Now I should say that during Gamma Knife I felt nothing. The gamma rays beam in and all meet at the tumour and destroy it and I feel nothing. It's amazing. I am told to watch for swelling which sometimes happens in the first month after gamma. I would feel funny if this happens - lightheaded, dizzy, weird. This time the headache only lasted about 1/2 an hour and after a little lunch I was on my way home. I stopped by my Mom and Dad's to let them know that everything went well and that I was fine then I headed home for a nap. I had talked to Jeff earlier as he kept tabs on me through my sisters and he is always there for me if and when I need him. I am very fortunate to have all of this support and it makes it so that it's not always the same person carrying it all. We can spread it out a little bit. It works for us.
So then Friday rolled around and it was time for my bone scan. My doctor scheduled another batch of scans for me since the cancer spread we want to make sure that it's not anywhere else. I went in and had my injection of some kind of radioactive dye and then we went to Polo Park to do a little shopping. My sister got yelled at in Ricki's for touching the clothes hook. They seem to be very protective over that thing!! So crazy! Anyway, after a little shopping and some lunch we headed back to the hospital for my scan. It was very quick and we were home in no time. It was actually a really nice day! The weekend I was drained and feeling exhausted and Saturday morning I woke up with the right side of my face swollen. I could barely open my eye. I didn't worry too much about it because I was told that this could be one of the side effects of having the frame on in gamma. I went back to work on Monday and was actually feeling pretty good. My swelling went down and I had a pretty good week. Just a little more tired than usual. I have been walking every night and even started running a bit. Whenever I find out that the cancer is back I always go through this slump where I don't feel like doing anything and I eat whatever I want. What's the point sort of attitude. Then when I'm recovered a bit from surgery I get this blast of energy and feel like I need to move. I think that is my way of fighting back. Making me feel like I have some control in this. I end up feeling better because of it. This is where I am right now. I am feeling pretty great! I have my CT scan tonight and then next week I meet with my doctor to get all of my results. Will be so glad to know that there is nothing else going on in my body.
I want to say thank you for all of the prayers, good thoughts and positive energy being sent my way. It helps to have all of the love and support from all of you. I love the quilt that Auntie Debbie made with all of the well wishes and photographs on it. Thank you to everyone who contributed to it. It is beautiful and a reminder of how many are cheering for me and my family. The meals were much appreciated from my cousins, aunt and uncle. So nice to have them in the freezer and not have to worry about what to make for supper. The kids love them and they are really healthy and delicious too!! I am very grateful to the doctors and nurses looking after me and the technology which has made sure that I stick around longer than ever expected. Jeff and I have planned a road trip next month with the kids so we are very much looking forward to this getaway and to spending some time having fun together. This last month has been another stress filled one so once we get all the rest of my results back it will be nice to go and have some fun!
It's sometimes hard to find the good in life but usually if you look hard enough it is there. It may be just that the sun is shining or that your favorite movie is on TV or your favorite song on the radio. I will never forget laying in bed in the hospital waiting to have my colonoscopy and one of my favorite Bon Jovi songs comes on the radio "It's my life". It made it all seem somehow better. OK, life isn't so bad. Sometimes I have to dig a little deeper than other times but there is usually something there for me to hold on to. Oh, and when there's not there's always wine with gold flakes in it! That makes things seem better too!! (hee hee)
Love, laugh and have fun!!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Loss and Living
It's been a while since I last posted and this is for two reasons. The first is because I've been busy with life. Enjoying my family, spending lots of time at the rink as hockey winds down for the season, getting out and loving this spring weather that we've been having. The other reason is that I am not quite sure what to say. My YACC family has experienced several losses over the past month. Young, vibrant, adults once full of life whose lives have been taken much too soon by this damn disease. Some of these people I only briefly connected with and others more so. I feel a loss everytime I receive an email letting me know about another friend. It's been something I've thought alot about. Is it better to not put myself out there and connect with others so that I don't have to feel the hurt when they leave us? I always come to the same conclusion - my life is better having met them. I learn from others experiences. It helps me with my own. Maybe someone elses perspective makes sense to me and changes my own. I have realized that I just need a way to cope with this loss. I need to do something with it. I've been trying really hard to not think too much about it, try not to feel it but guess what? It's still there and not going anywhere! It's all part of being caught up in the cancer world.
Of course when you're thinking about death it won't be long until you start thinking about you're own - especially if you have cancer. There are so many layers of feelings there. Feelings of sadness, empathy, fear, guilt.... I've been reading many of my friends' words expressing all of these feelings which tells me that I'm not alone with these feelings. The fact that I feel this way is a normal part of this cancer experience. And this is when I really realize how important these connections are to me. It makes me feel a part of a bigger world, makes me feel like I'm not the only one, like what I'm going through is normal. And if there's one thing that us cancer survivors want to feel - it's normal! So to Adam, Andreanne & Julie - you will always be in our hearts. We will remember you and hold on to the good memories that were made in Ottawa. To all of my fellow cancer warriors and support super heros - we are all in this together and can look to each other for support and understanding. We can lean on others "that get it" and find ways to cope with the hard feelings together. I send my love to you all. xoxo
A couple of weeks ago was our girls' night out - Brain MRI & dinner. Every 3 months I go for a brain MRI and this has turned into our regular girls' night out. My mom, sisters and I head over to the hospital for my MRI and then usually go for dinner and drinks after. This time we went for the MRI then out for dinner and decided to go bowling. It was Friday night after all! It was a really fun night and I love the fact that I am never voted Designated Driver. A perk of being the one with cancer!! So thankful to have such a great mom & sisters that are always there for me and make going through these tests and procedures fun! So during my MRI I try to meditate and not let my imagination run wild but this never works. Focus on your breathing I keep repeating to myself. Instead I couldn't help but wonder if the three people in the booth behind the glass windows could read my mind. Would certain areas of my brain light up or something and show them what I'm thinking about? Could they see my thoughts? So I spent the whole rest of my time in the MRI trying to keep my thoughts clean and rated PG. This actually worked and made the time go by super quick. Note to self - I really need to come up with some better ways to pass the time while I'm in there.
So I assumed, because I didn't hear otherwise, that my brain MRI came back once again as stable. So, on Wednesday when I got home from work and Jeff & I played the message on the answering machine that said, "Hi Natalie - it's gammaknife calling. You can just give us a call back at your earliest convenience @ ***-****" I was a little anxious but reassured myself that it's been a couple of weeks. They are just calling to let me know that it's stable, which has been the case for the past 2 years. So I call back and of course everyone's gone home for the day so I leave a message. Jeff and I aren't worried and are sure that it's fine. I went to work yesterday and after not hearing back from them by 11:00 I decide to give them a call. I hear the words that I am always afraid to hear. "Something has shown up on your scan." Shit!! Seriously? You are kidding me? No, unfortunately not. OK like she's going to say, Yep. Just kidding! You're fine. Have a nice day! OK, where is it? Is it in the same place as the last one? Now what?
So after a lengthy conversation I find out that I have a tumour on my pons. (Kaden thinks that word is so funny - pons. He's 7. He laughs hysterically when you say it.) This spot wasn't seen on my last scan so we've caught it very early and it is only 3 mm small. It is actually no where near the first brain tumour which was higher up in the brain. The plan is to do Gamma Knife Surgery again which they have already booked for me on April 11th. I was obviously shocked at this news but like I said to my nurse, I was hoping to never have a recurrence in the brain again but knew that it was certainly a possibility. I decided to take off from work early for the day so my sister came out to pick me up. My first instinct was to get out of there before I started crying or something. (Now, that would be horrible) Too late! Thank goodness the girl I work with is very understanding and sweet! Jeff got home as quickly as he could and we all had a little pow wow at mom and dad's. It's almost like we need to group together and feel united to figure out our plan of action.
And so here we go once again... I feel grateful that I have had the past few months to live normally, to enjoy life. I am grateful to have such a loving family. I am grateful that this tumour can be treated. My doctor is confident that we can get it with Gamma Knife. My kids are amazing and I see that we can really learn from them. My 10 year old said last night,"No problem Mom. I am not worried at all. This one is nothing!" I am grateful for an amazing husband who reassures me that everything is going to be alright. I am grateful for a wonderful boss who called me last night to let me know that they've got my back and are there for me. I am grateful for a whole community of others with cancer that I have connected with - both young adults and my melanoma friends.
Another reminder for me to live life to its fullest and not to take even one minute for granted. xoxo
Of course when you're thinking about death it won't be long until you start thinking about you're own - especially if you have cancer. There are so many layers of feelings there. Feelings of sadness, empathy, fear, guilt.... I've been reading many of my friends' words expressing all of these feelings which tells me that I'm not alone with these feelings. The fact that I feel this way is a normal part of this cancer experience. And this is when I really realize how important these connections are to me. It makes me feel a part of a bigger world, makes me feel like I'm not the only one, like what I'm going through is normal. And if there's one thing that us cancer survivors want to feel - it's normal! So to Adam, Andreanne & Julie - you will always be in our hearts. We will remember you and hold on to the good memories that were made in Ottawa. To all of my fellow cancer warriors and support super heros - we are all in this together and can look to each other for support and understanding. We can lean on others "that get it" and find ways to cope with the hard feelings together. I send my love to you all. xoxo
A couple of weeks ago was our girls' night out - Brain MRI & dinner. Every 3 months I go for a brain MRI and this has turned into our regular girls' night out. My mom, sisters and I head over to the hospital for my MRI and then usually go for dinner and drinks after. This time we went for the MRI then out for dinner and decided to go bowling. It was Friday night after all! It was a really fun night and I love the fact that I am never voted Designated Driver. A perk of being the one with cancer!! So thankful to have such a great mom & sisters that are always there for me and make going through these tests and procedures fun! So during my MRI I try to meditate and not let my imagination run wild but this never works. Focus on your breathing I keep repeating to myself. Instead I couldn't help but wonder if the three people in the booth behind the glass windows could read my mind. Would certain areas of my brain light up or something and show them what I'm thinking about? Could they see my thoughts? So I spent the whole rest of my time in the MRI trying to keep my thoughts clean and rated PG. This actually worked and made the time go by super quick. Note to self - I really need to come up with some better ways to pass the time while I'm in there.
So I assumed, because I didn't hear otherwise, that my brain MRI came back once again as stable. So, on Wednesday when I got home from work and Jeff & I played the message on the answering machine that said, "Hi Natalie - it's gammaknife calling. You can just give us a call back at your earliest convenience @ ***-****" I was a little anxious but reassured myself that it's been a couple of weeks. They are just calling to let me know that it's stable, which has been the case for the past 2 years. So I call back and of course everyone's gone home for the day so I leave a message. Jeff and I aren't worried and are sure that it's fine. I went to work yesterday and after not hearing back from them by 11:00 I decide to give them a call. I hear the words that I am always afraid to hear. "Something has shown up on your scan." Shit!! Seriously? You are kidding me? No, unfortunately not. OK like she's going to say, Yep. Just kidding! You're fine. Have a nice day! OK, where is it? Is it in the same place as the last one? Now what?
So after a lengthy conversation I find out that I have a tumour on my pons. (Kaden thinks that word is so funny - pons. He's 7. He laughs hysterically when you say it.) This spot wasn't seen on my last scan so we've caught it very early and it is only 3 mm small. It is actually no where near the first brain tumour which was higher up in the brain. The plan is to do Gamma Knife Surgery again which they have already booked for me on April 11th. I was obviously shocked at this news but like I said to my nurse, I was hoping to never have a recurrence in the brain again but knew that it was certainly a possibility. I decided to take off from work early for the day so my sister came out to pick me up. My first instinct was to get out of there before I started crying or something. (Now, that would be horrible) Too late! Thank goodness the girl I work with is very understanding and sweet! Jeff got home as quickly as he could and we all had a little pow wow at mom and dad's. It's almost like we need to group together and feel united to figure out our plan of action.
And so here we go once again... I feel grateful that I have had the past few months to live normally, to enjoy life. I am grateful to have such a loving family. I am grateful that this tumour can be treated. My doctor is confident that we can get it with Gamma Knife. My kids are amazing and I see that we can really learn from them. My 10 year old said last night,"No problem Mom. I am not worried at all. This one is nothing!" I am grateful for an amazing husband who reassures me that everything is going to be alright. I am grateful for a wonderful boss who called me last night to let me know that they've got my back and are there for me. I am grateful for a whole community of others with cancer that I have connected with - both young adults and my melanoma friends.
Another reminder for me to live life to its fullest and not to take even one minute for granted. xoxo
Saturday, January 28, 2012
A Second Chance
Well, time has been flying by around here it seems like. Being back to work has been fantastic. We are finally able to find our routine and I realize how much I missed this. Jeff and I have never both worked a Monday to Friday job at the same time so it has been really nice to have every week night and weekend together as a family. I have been feeling great and am actually surprised at the energy I have. This is the best I have felt in over two years and I am thankful every day when I wake up that I have this energy. I was driving to work on Tuesday remembering what a Tuesday on Interferon felt like. I would wake up feeling exhausted, nauseous & achey all over and it took everything for me just to get out of bed and get the kids off to school. As soon as they were out the door I was heading back to bed for a nap. Tuedays were always horrible because having had the weekend off the Interferon, I think it was a shock once again to my system when I injected that dose Monday night. So I drove to work last Tuesday feeling full of gratitude for being able to get up with energy, ready to start my day.
I have been reflecting alot on the past two years and still have trouble letting things all sink in. It really does feel almost like a dream. Like none of this could have really happened. Brain surgery, gamma knife, 2 lung surgeries, a year on Interferon which took me one and a half years, needles, a PICC line, biopsies and scans... and the hardest test of all - always waiting for someone to tell me what the results were. Was the surgery successful? Did the treatment work?(this we will never know) Is it cancer? Is there more cancer? How far has it spread? What's the plan? These are all questions that have flown through my mind almost constantly through the past couple of years. I love now having these questions replaced with - What should I make for supper tonight? What are we going to do this weekend? What am I going to wear to work tomorrow?
Of course, it's not like cancer has disappeared from my mind completely but I am on somewhat of a break from the constant thoughts which have been on my mind for the past 2 years. For a long time, I couldn't even think about the future. I had to stay focused on the here and now. If I looked too far ahead I would get a sick feeling in my stomach as I wondered whether or not I would be here still. It's fun now for Jeff and I to talk about taking off somewhere hot next winter for a holiday or planning renovations on our house or where we are going to go for our summer holidays. These are all things that we couldn't discuss before and I couldn't picture for a long time ever being able think about again.
I was surprised a few weeks ago when we were in the dressing room just after Kaden's hockey game and he says to me, "Mom, really bad things happen on Friday the 13th. I sure hope your cancer doesn't come back". It took me back and I wasn't sure how to respond but reassured him that I feel great and it being Friday the 13th wasn't going to make my cancer come back. Wow! What goes through his little mind really surprises me sometimes. So although it's maybe not on the top of all of our minds right now, it is still there.
My mom was telling me that when she went out for lunch the other day there was an elderly mother and her daughter sitting at the table beside them. The daughter was telling her mother about a piano recital which would be taking place in the Spring and she was inviting her to come along. She says to her mother "Maybe you would like to come and see it if you're still alive then." My mom was shocked that she would say this to her mother but laughed at them having a sense of humour about death. I can totally relate to this only it would be me saying "Yes, that would be lovely. If I'm still here in a couple of months I would love to join you". When things get really tough and tense it relieves this feeling if you can laugh about it. My mom and I were at the store picking out "Thank you" cards and this was just before my brain surgery. My eyes drifted down to the "Thank you for your sympathies" cards so I picked out the ones that I liked the most and pointed them out to my mom "just in case" I said to her laughing. We both got a good laugh. I guess you had to be there because reading this now it just sounds plain weird. But I really feel that I would rather laugh about it then cry about it. So this is just how my family deals I guess.
I started a Zumba class a few weeks ago and even though I am totally uncoordinated and out of shape I absolutely love it! I love that I can do it (or somewhat flailing around on the gym floor doing my own thing more or less) but that I can actually, physically move. Cancer treatments drained the life out of me and now I feel that life pouring back into me and it feels like nothing I have ever felt before. Before cancer I took all of this for granted. During my Interferon treatments many times I would dance around my room with the music blaring and would collapse on my bed totally exhausted but happy. Something so simple and it's one of the things that got me through that year. So it feels great to be able to move and I will never take this for granted again. I really missed it on the days that I was stuck in bed recovering from a surgery or with my head throbbing from Interferon.
I have also been trying alot of different at home excerise DVD's my favorite so far is a walking program using resistance bands. Love it and feel like I've had a great work out afterward. I have learned alot about how much excerise can help fight off disease of all kinds - especially cancer and I just feel so much better and full of energy when I've had a good workout. I also attribute my new found energy boost to my every morning green smoothie habit. Spinach, swiss chard or kale; some frozen fruit, a little water and I'm good to go. Sometimes I add a little almond butter or flax seed or agave, depending on what I feel like. I have been paying special attention to my diet and this is really helping me to feel healthy and hopefully will help my body stay healthy.
I think often of all of my friends going through their cancer treatments and although I'm through the tough stuff for now I don't forget what it's like. I felt many times that it would never be over, that I would be feeling that horrible forever. There didn't seem to be an end in sight and the only end that I could see was a terrifying one. This is why it is so hard to believe that I have come out the other side feeling this way. My wish for anyone going through cancer is that you keep hoping and dreaming of a healthy life, that you can stay positive most of the time (I think that it is unrealistic and unhealthy to be completely positive 24/7), that you believe in yourself and in what you can accomplish and that you can surround yourself with loving, caring people who will help you to get through all the tough stuff.
I will be enjoying every minute of the next five weeks feeling very grateful for this second chance!
Believe!
Hope!
Laugh!
Natalie
I have been reflecting alot on the past two years and still have trouble letting things all sink in. It really does feel almost like a dream. Like none of this could have really happened. Brain surgery, gamma knife, 2 lung surgeries, a year on Interferon which took me one and a half years, needles, a PICC line, biopsies and scans... and the hardest test of all - always waiting for someone to tell me what the results were. Was the surgery successful? Did the treatment work?(this we will never know) Is it cancer? Is there more cancer? How far has it spread? What's the plan? These are all questions that have flown through my mind almost constantly through the past couple of years. I love now having these questions replaced with - What should I make for supper tonight? What are we going to do this weekend? What am I going to wear to work tomorrow?
Of course, it's not like cancer has disappeared from my mind completely but I am on somewhat of a break from the constant thoughts which have been on my mind for the past 2 years. For a long time, I couldn't even think about the future. I had to stay focused on the here and now. If I looked too far ahead I would get a sick feeling in my stomach as I wondered whether or not I would be here still. It's fun now for Jeff and I to talk about taking off somewhere hot next winter for a holiday or planning renovations on our house or where we are going to go for our summer holidays. These are all things that we couldn't discuss before and I couldn't picture for a long time ever being able think about again.
I was surprised a few weeks ago when we were in the dressing room just after Kaden's hockey game and he says to me, "Mom, really bad things happen on Friday the 13th. I sure hope your cancer doesn't come back". It took me back and I wasn't sure how to respond but reassured him that I feel great and it being Friday the 13th wasn't going to make my cancer come back. Wow! What goes through his little mind really surprises me sometimes. So although it's maybe not on the top of all of our minds right now, it is still there.
My mom was telling me that when she went out for lunch the other day there was an elderly mother and her daughter sitting at the table beside them. The daughter was telling her mother about a piano recital which would be taking place in the Spring and she was inviting her to come along. She says to her mother "Maybe you would like to come and see it if you're still alive then." My mom was shocked that she would say this to her mother but laughed at them having a sense of humour about death. I can totally relate to this only it would be me saying "Yes, that would be lovely. If I'm still here in a couple of months I would love to join you". When things get really tough and tense it relieves this feeling if you can laugh about it. My mom and I were at the store picking out "Thank you" cards and this was just before my brain surgery. My eyes drifted down to the "Thank you for your sympathies" cards so I picked out the ones that I liked the most and pointed them out to my mom "just in case" I said to her laughing. We both got a good laugh. I guess you had to be there because reading this now it just sounds plain weird. But I really feel that I would rather laugh about it then cry about it. So this is just how my family deals I guess.
I started a Zumba class a few weeks ago and even though I am totally uncoordinated and out of shape I absolutely love it! I love that I can do it (or somewhat flailing around on the gym floor doing my own thing more or less) but that I can actually, physically move. Cancer treatments drained the life out of me and now I feel that life pouring back into me and it feels like nothing I have ever felt before. Before cancer I took all of this for granted. During my Interferon treatments many times I would dance around my room with the music blaring and would collapse on my bed totally exhausted but happy. Something so simple and it's one of the things that got me through that year. So it feels great to be able to move and I will never take this for granted again. I really missed it on the days that I was stuck in bed recovering from a surgery or with my head throbbing from Interferon.
I have also been trying alot of different at home excerise DVD's my favorite so far is a walking program using resistance bands. Love it and feel like I've had a great work out afterward. I have learned alot about how much excerise can help fight off disease of all kinds - especially cancer and I just feel so much better and full of energy when I've had a good workout. I also attribute my new found energy boost to my every morning green smoothie habit. Spinach, swiss chard or kale; some frozen fruit, a little water and I'm good to go. Sometimes I add a little almond butter or flax seed or agave, depending on what I feel like. I have been paying special attention to my diet and this is really helping me to feel healthy and hopefully will help my body stay healthy.
I think often of all of my friends going through their cancer treatments and although I'm through the tough stuff for now I don't forget what it's like. I felt many times that it would never be over, that I would be feeling that horrible forever. There didn't seem to be an end in sight and the only end that I could see was a terrifying one. This is why it is so hard to believe that I have come out the other side feeling this way. My wish for anyone going through cancer is that you keep hoping and dreaming of a healthy life, that you can stay positive most of the time (I think that it is unrealistic and unhealthy to be completely positive 24/7), that you believe in yourself and in what you can accomplish and that you can surround yourself with loving, caring people who will help you to get through all the tough stuff.
I will be enjoying every minute of the next five weeks feeling very grateful for this second chance!
Believe!
Hope!
Laugh!
Natalie
Friday, January 6, 2012
A Brand New Year Full of Hope!!
I hope that everyone enjoyed the holidays doing whatever you and your family & friends do to celebrate!! It has been so absolutely beautiful here with barely any snow but lots of nice, warm days to enjoy. Christmas was great spending time with the family. The kids were up at the crack of dawn Christmas morning not able to sleep because of all the excitement; although Kaden was up because he was sick, so needless to say there wasn't much sleep going on in this house. So we were up and finished opening presents by 8 am. I think that's a record around here! Christmas basically lasted all week going out to visit lots of family. It's so great catching up with every one. We headed up to visit Jeff's family for New Year's which was really nice. We rang in the New Year and had a blast playing cards and of course watching the hockey game!! Then it was time to head home back to reality and yep...work.
So my kids were curious why mom seemed so happy to be returning to work and when Gavin asked me "Why are you so excited to be going back to work?" all I could think of to say was "because I can". Being able to return back to life for me right now is like a second chance. It couldn't come at a more perfect time in my eyes. A brand new year, a fresh start, a beginning full of hope. I look at 2012 like I have never looked at any other year before. I am very hopeful that this year will be a year without cancer, a year that will not be as stressful as the last two, a year with less worry and fear. I don't go back to Cancer Care or have any other scans until the beginning of March so for the next couple of months I can move forward and really enjoy life, finally!! Now, I know that getting excited about having 2 months away from hospitals, doctors, needles and scans may not seem like that big of a deal to most of you but to me it means two whole months to catch my breathe, build myself back up (physically, emotionally, and of course financially) and enjoy this time with my family having fun. I am going to do everything that I can to make sure that my body keeps fighting this cancer for as long as possible. I have already made some significant changes in my lifestyle (nutrition and exercise) and am feeling great because of it!
Melanoma has been making it into the news again lately with new clinical trials starting in Canada within the next couple of months. It is a new immune therapy treatment which has been showing positive results in the States. Researchers are doing alot of work in this area and it seems to be paying off. Instead of going in and trying to kill the cancer (which is difficult without killing the patient) they are looking more at boosting your immune system so that your body can go in and do it for you. Training your own system to tag and take down those nasty cells. It is very exciting for melanoma patients since for so long there has been little or no advancement in treatment options. It is nice to know that we are getting that much closer to a cure. It brings alot of hope to those of us with this disease and our families.
The kids are getting geared up to get back to school on Monday and we (well, Jeff and I anyway) are looking forward to settling into a new routine.
I hope that everyone enjoyed their holidays with their loved ones and that 2012 will be full of great health, happiness and love for you all!!
So my kids were curious why mom seemed so happy to be returning to work and when Gavin asked me "Why are you so excited to be going back to work?" all I could think of to say was "because I can". Being able to return back to life for me right now is like a second chance. It couldn't come at a more perfect time in my eyes. A brand new year, a fresh start, a beginning full of hope. I look at 2012 like I have never looked at any other year before. I am very hopeful that this year will be a year without cancer, a year that will not be as stressful as the last two, a year with less worry and fear. I don't go back to Cancer Care or have any other scans until the beginning of March so for the next couple of months I can move forward and really enjoy life, finally!! Now, I know that getting excited about having 2 months away from hospitals, doctors, needles and scans may not seem like that big of a deal to most of you but to me it means two whole months to catch my breathe, build myself back up (physically, emotionally, and of course financially) and enjoy this time with my family having fun. I am going to do everything that I can to make sure that my body keeps fighting this cancer for as long as possible. I have already made some significant changes in my lifestyle (nutrition and exercise) and am feeling great because of it!
Melanoma has been making it into the news again lately with new clinical trials starting in Canada within the next couple of months. It is a new immune therapy treatment which has been showing positive results in the States. Researchers are doing alot of work in this area and it seems to be paying off. Instead of going in and trying to kill the cancer (which is difficult without killing the patient) they are looking more at boosting your immune system so that your body can go in and do it for you. Training your own system to tag and take down those nasty cells. It is very exciting for melanoma patients since for so long there has been little or no advancement in treatment options. It is nice to know that we are getting that much closer to a cure. It brings alot of hope to those of us with this disease and our families.
The kids are getting geared up to get back to school on Monday and we (well, Jeff and I anyway) are looking forward to settling into a new routine.
I hope that everyone enjoyed their holidays with their loved ones and that 2012 will be full of great health, happiness and love for you all!!
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!
Things have been moving along here as we get geared up for Christmas. This week has been full of Christmas baking, kids concerts and planning our holiday get togethers. I really feel like we need a nice, peaceful holiday and not a holiday where we are running so much that we don't have time to look around at what is truly most important to our family. I am looking forward to a Christmas with less fuss this year. Jeff, once again, finished up our shopping early so we just need to do a few last minute things which is so nice. Very happy to have a husband who doesn't mind shopping and is happy to jump in and make sure the boys are happy at Christmas. When I look back at the last few Christmas's, we have really had to simplify things. I havn't been up to doing my usual all day shop-a-thons and baking sessions. It's actually made Christmas a lot nicer and more relaxed so maybe this is a tradition that we will keep up in the many years to come.
I am recovering very well from surgery. It's hard to believe that it's been 6 weeks already. I went and saw my oncologist on Wednesday and everything is just as we expected. We spoke alot about different treatment options but none of these are available for me at the present time. Although, it's nice not to have to go for chemotherapy or radiation it is also disappointing that this is because there is no such treatment available for people with this type of cancer. (stage IV metastatic melanoma) It's not that I don't need any further treatment but that there is nothing available. So we wait. The chances I will have another recurrence is very likely and if this does happen then hopefully once again it will be operable. Every day that I remain "No Evidence of Disease" I look as another day for treatment in this area to advance and for someone to finally find a cure.
It is very difficult some days to remain optimistic and hopeful especially after another recurrence. This last return has been extremely difficult for all of us. It has reaffirmed that this isn't going away and has become almost a chronic illness. I have recently had many times of feeling scared, angry and upset that we all have to deal with this. I sometimes find it very difficult to even go to the doctor. This past week I would have rather scrubbed toilets than go back to Cancer Care. I almost had a panic attack the night before dreading this trip in. This may not only have been because I sometimes just get so tired of going to the doctors but also because this was my first time going back to see my doctor since we lost Earl. Earl and I both had the same Oncologist looking after us and it brought up alot of sadness for me going to see him again. I miss him so much. Jeff came with me and this comforted me and I was able to get through it just fine. I left there having all of my questions answered and also like we had some sort of plan for my future treatment. Although, I don't like to plan too far away I also need to know that there is some sort of plan there.
I feel very grateful that I am still able to be out and about living life in an almost "normal" way. I'm able to get out of bed every morning, do every day activities and still get alot of joy out of life. A trip to Cancer Care can sometimes make me realize how fortunate I really am and that I had better not take that for granted. So, since I still have a couple of weeks before I go back to work I am really going to enjoy the season and spend lots of time with my family really feeling blessed for what we have together.
I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas full of love and joy and a healthy and happy 2012!
I am recovering very well from surgery. It's hard to believe that it's been 6 weeks already. I went and saw my oncologist on Wednesday and everything is just as we expected. We spoke alot about different treatment options but none of these are available for me at the present time. Although, it's nice not to have to go for chemotherapy or radiation it is also disappointing that this is because there is no such treatment available for people with this type of cancer. (stage IV metastatic melanoma) It's not that I don't need any further treatment but that there is nothing available. So we wait. The chances I will have another recurrence is very likely and if this does happen then hopefully once again it will be operable. Every day that I remain "No Evidence of Disease" I look as another day for treatment in this area to advance and for someone to finally find a cure.
It is very difficult some days to remain optimistic and hopeful especially after another recurrence. This last return has been extremely difficult for all of us. It has reaffirmed that this isn't going away and has become almost a chronic illness. I have recently had many times of feeling scared, angry and upset that we all have to deal with this. I sometimes find it very difficult to even go to the doctor. This past week I would have rather scrubbed toilets than go back to Cancer Care. I almost had a panic attack the night before dreading this trip in. This may not only have been because I sometimes just get so tired of going to the doctors but also because this was my first time going back to see my doctor since we lost Earl. Earl and I both had the same Oncologist looking after us and it brought up alot of sadness for me going to see him again. I miss him so much. Jeff came with me and this comforted me and I was able to get through it just fine. I left there having all of my questions answered and also like we had some sort of plan for my future treatment. Although, I don't like to plan too far away I also need to know that there is some sort of plan there.
I feel very grateful that I am still able to be out and about living life in an almost "normal" way. I'm able to get out of bed every morning, do every day activities and still get alot of joy out of life. A trip to Cancer Care can sometimes make me realize how fortunate I really am and that I had better not take that for granted. So, since I still have a couple of weeks before I go back to work I am really going to enjoy the season and spend lots of time with my family really feeling blessed for what we have together.
I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas full of love and joy and a healthy and happy 2012!
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