IthinkIwillgoforawalk

A Second Chance

2012-01-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

Well, time has been flying by around here it seems like. Being back to work has been fantastic. We are finally able to find our routine and I realize how much I missed this. Jeff and I have never both worked a Monday to Friday job at the same time so it has been really nice to have every week night and weekend together as a family. I have been feeling great and am actually surprised at the energy I have. This is the best I have felt in over two years and I am thankful every day when I wake up that I have this energy. I was driving to work on Tuesday remembering what a Tuesday on Interferon felt like. I would wake up feeling exhausted, nauseous & achey all over and it took everything for me just to get out of bed and get the kids off to school. As soon as they were out the door I was heading back to bed for a nap. Tuedays were always horrible because having had the weekend off the Interferon, I think it was a shock once again to my system when I injected that dose Monday night. So I drove to work last Tuesday feeling full of gratitude for being able to get up with energy, ready to start my day.

I have been reflecting alot on the past two years and still have trouble letting things all sink in. It really does feel almost like a dream. Like none of this could have really happened. Brain surgery, gamma knife, 2 lung surgeries, a year on Interferon which took me one and a half years, needles, a PICC line, biopsies and scans... and the hardest test of all - always waiting for someone to tell me what the results were. Was the surgery successful? Did the treatment work?(this we will never know) Is it cancer? Is there more cancer? How far has it spread? What's the plan? These are all questions that have flown through my mind almost constantly through the past couple of years. I love now having these questions replaced with - What should I make for supper tonight? What are we going to do this weekend? What am I going to wear to work tomorrow?

Of course, it's not like cancer has disappeared from my mind completely but I am on somewhat of a break from the constant thoughts which have been on my mind for the past 2 years. For a long time, I couldn't even think about the future. I had to stay focused on the here and now. If I looked too far ahead I would get a sick feeling in my stomach as I wondered whether or not I would be here still. It's fun now for Jeff and I to talk about taking off somewhere hot next winter for a holiday or planning renovations on our house or where we are going to go for our summer holidays. These are all things that we couldn't discuss before and I couldn't picture for a long time ever being able think about again.

I was surprised a few weeks ago when we were in the dressing room just after Kaden's hockey game and he says to me, "Mom, really bad things happen on Friday the 13th. I sure hope your cancer doesn't come back". It took me back and I wasn't sure how to respond but reassured him that I feel great and it being Friday the 13th wasn't going to make my cancer come back. Wow! What goes through his little mind really surprises me sometimes. So although it's maybe not on the top of all of our minds right now, it is still there.

My mom was telling me that when she went out for lunch the other day there was an elderly mother and her daughter sitting at the table beside them. The daughter was telling her mother about a piano recital which would be taking place in the Spring and she was inviting her to come along. She says to her mother "Maybe you would like to come and see it if you're still alive then." My mom was shocked that she would say this to her mother but laughed at them having a sense of humour about death. I can totally relate to this only it would be me saying "Yes, that would be lovely. If I'm still here in a couple of months I would love to join you". When things get really tough and tense it relieves this feeling if you can laugh about it. My mom and I were at the store picking out "Thank you" cards and this was just before my brain surgery. My eyes drifted down to the "Thank you for your sympathies" cards so I picked out the ones that I liked the most and pointed them out to my mom "just in case" I said to her laughing. We both got a good laugh. I guess you had to be there because reading this now it just sounds plain weird. But I really feel that I would rather laugh about it then cry about it. So this is just how my family deals I guess.

I started a Zumba class a few weeks ago and even though I am totally uncoordinated and out of shape I absolutely love it! I love that I can do it (or somewhat flailing around on the gym floor doing my own thing more or less) but that I can actually, physically move. Cancer treatments drained the life out of me and now I feel that life pouring back into me and it feels like nothing I have ever felt before. Before cancer I took all of this for granted. During my Interferon treatments many times I would dance around my room with the music blaring and would collapse on my bed totally exhausted but happy. Something so simple and it's one of the things that got me through that year. So it feels great to be able to move and I will never take this for granted again. I really missed it on the days that I was stuck in bed recovering from a surgery or with my head throbbing from Interferon.

I have also been trying alot of different at home excerise DVD's my favorite so far is a walking program using resistance bands. Love it and feel like I've had a great work out afterward. I have learned alot about how much excerise can help fight off disease of all kinds - especially cancer and I just feel so much better and full of energy when I've had a good workout. I also attribute my new found energy boost to my every morning green smoothie habit. Spinach, swiss chard or kale; some frozen fruit, a little water and I'm good to go. Sometimes I add a little almond butter or flax seed or agave, depending on what I feel like. I have been paying special attention to my diet and this is really helping me to feel healthy and hopefully will help my body stay healthy.

I think often of all of my friends going through their cancer treatments and although I'm through the tough stuff for now I don't forget what it's like. I felt many times that it would never be over, that I would be feeling that horrible forever. There didn't seem to be an end in sight and the only end that I could see was a terrifying one. This is why it is so hard to believe that I have come out the other side feeling this way. My wish for anyone going through cancer is that you keep hoping and dreaming of a healthy life, that you can stay positive most of the time (I think that it is unrealistic and unhealthy to be completely positive 24/7), that you believe in yourself and in what you can accomplish and that you can surround yourself with loving, caring people who will help you to get through all the tough stuff.

I will be enjoying every minute of the next five weeks feeling very grateful for this second chance!

Believe!

Hope!

Laugh!

Natalie

A Brand New Year Full of Hope!!

2012-01-06T17:26:00.000-08:00

I hope that everyone enjoyed the holidays doing whatever you and your family & friends do to celebrate!! It has been so absolutely beautiful here with barely any snow but lots of nice, warm days to enjoy. Christmas was great spending time with the family. The kids were up at the crack of dawn Christmas morning not able to sleep because of all the excitement; although Kaden was up because he was sick, so needless to say there wasn't much sleep going on in this house. So we were up and finished opening presents by 8 am. I think that's a record around here! Christmas basically lasted all week going out to visit lots of family. It's so great catching up with every one. We headed up to visit Jeff's family for New Year's which was really nice. We rang in the New Year and had a blast playing cards and of course watching the hockey game!! Then it was time to head home back to reality and yep...work.

So my kids were curious why mom seemed so happy to be returning to work and when Gavin asked me "Why are you so excited to be going back to work?" all I could think of to say was "because I can". Being able to return back to life for me right now is like a second chance. It couldn't come at a more perfect time in my eyes. A brand new year, a fresh start, a beginning full of hope. I look at 2012 like I have never looked at any other year before. I am very hopeful that this year will be a year without cancer, a year that will not be as stressful as the last two, a year with less worry and fear. I don't go back to Cancer Care or have any other scans until the beginning of March so for the next couple of months I can move forward and really enjoy life, finally!! Now, I know that getting excited about having 2 months away from hospitals, doctors, needles and scans may not seem like that big of a deal to most of you but to me it means two whole months to catch my breathe, build myself back up (physically, emotionally, and of course financially) and enjoy this time with my family having fun. I am going to do everything that I can to make sure that my body keeps fighting this cancer for as long as possible. I have already made some significant changes in my lifestyle (nutrition and exercise) and am feeling great because of it!

Melanoma has been making it into the news again lately with new clinical trials starting in Canada within the next couple of months. It is a new immune therapy treatment which has been showing positive results in the States. Researchers are doing alot of work in this area and it seems to be paying off. Instead of going in and trying to kill the cancer (which is difficult without killing the patient) they are looking more at boosting your immune system so that your body can go in and do it for you. Training your own system to tag and take down those nasty cells. It is very exciting for melanoma patients since for so long there has been little or no advancement in treatment options. It is nice to know that we are getting that much closer to a cure. It brings alot of hope to those of us with this disease and our families.

The kids are getting geared up to get back to school on Monday and we (well, Jeff and I anyway) are looking forward to settling into a new routine.

I hope that everyone enjoyed their holidays with their loved ones and that 2012 will be full of great health, happiness and love for you all!!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!

2011-12-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

Things have been moving along here as we get geared up for Christmas. This week has been full of Christmas baking, kids concerts and planning our holiday get togethers. I really feel like we need a nice, peaceful holiday and not a holiday where we are running so much that we don't have time to look around at what is truly most important to our family. I am looking forward to a Christmas with less fuss this year. Jeff, once again, finished up our shopping early so we just need to do a few last minute things which is so nice. Very happy to have a husband who doesn't mind shopping and is happy to jump in and make sure the boys are happy at Christmas. When I look back at the last few Christmas's, we have really had to simplify things. I havn't been up to doing my usual all day shop-a-thons and baking sessions. It's actually made Christmas a lot nicer and more relaxed so maybe this is a tradition that we will keep up in the many years to come.

I am recovering very well from surgery. It's hard to believe that it's been 6 weeks already. I went and saw my oncologist on Wednesday and everything is just as we expected. We spoke alot about different treatment options but none of these are available for me at the present time. Although, it's nice not to have to go for chemotherapy or radiation it is also disappointing that this is because there is no such treatment available for people with this type of cancer. (stage IV metastatic melanoma) It's not that I don't need any further treatment but that there is nothing available. So we wait. The chances I will have another recurrence is very likely and if this does happen then hopefully once again it will be operable. Every day that I remain "No Evidence of Disease" I look as another day for treatment in this area to advance and for someone to finally find a cure.

It is very difficult some days to remain optimistic and hopeful especially after another recurrence. This last return has been extremely difficult for all of us. It has reaffirmed that this isn't going away and has become almost a chronic illness. I have recently had many times of feeling scared, angry and upset that we all have to deal with this. I sometimes find it very difficult to even go to the doctor. This past week I would have rather scrubbed toilets than go back to Cancer Care. I almost had a panic attack the night before dreading this trip in. This may not only have been because I sometimes just get so tired of going to the doctors but also because this was my first time going back to see my doctor since we lost Earl. Earl and I both had the same Oncologist looking after us and it brought up alot of sadness for me going to see him again. I miss him so much. Jeff came with me and this comforted me and I was able to get through it just fine. I left there having all of my questions answered and also like we had some sort of plan for my future treatment. Although, I don't like to plan too far away I also need to know that there is some sort of plan there.

I feel very grateful that I am still able to be out and about living life in an almost "normal" way. I'm able to get out of bed every morning, do every day activities and still get alot of joy out of life. A trip to Cancer Care can sometimes make me realize how fortunate I really am and that I had better not take that for granted. So, since I still have a couple of weeks before I go back to work I am really going to enjoy the season and spend lots of time with my family really feeling blessed for what we have together.

I wish all of you a very Merry Christmas full of love and joy and a healthy and happy 2012!

Latest news...

2011-12-01T14:46:00.000-08:00

I am super excited to share my most recent results that I got back today. I decided after finding out that I can't get in to see my oncologist for another two weeks to at least try and get my brain MRI results. My gamma nurse called me back this morning to let me know that it came back stable! So happy to hear this news since I have been stressed and worried for the last several weeks about what was going on up there. I think that having this whole issue with my lungs again has just re-inforced that it can and will pop up anywhere at anytime. My medical staff seem to be happily surprised whenever my MRI results come back stable so this is great but it also tells me that this isn't the norm and I worry about how long it will remain this way. Not long after I returned to work I started having some headaches again. I tried to ignore it and put it down to being tired and just having to get used to working full time again. Of course, in the back of my mind I was wondering if the stress of returning to work and being busy again would cause my body to cave and relapse again. So happy to know that this is not the case and maybe I am tougher than I thought. I have to find some sort of trust in my body again that it will do what it needs to in order to keep those nasty cells from multiplying again and turning into a tumour.

It is definitely hard to wait for results ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THEY ARE SITTING IN YOUR CHART. It makes me feel that the system is failing me and that they are not as on top of things as I had hoped. I know that my pathology is going to come back as metastatic melanoma (apparently they could tell since it was black) but I have several questions about it like: how big? any lymph nodes affected? what now? I am very anxious to get in to see my doctor to have these and many more questions answered. I decided to reach out and get some information on my own and find out more about treatment options. I had a great conversation with a lady from Ontario this morning who is super involved in the melanoma world and has many connections and lots of information about things like treatment. It was very informative and now I have even more to speak to my doctor about. I did find out that the treatment that I have received so far is not offered anywhere else in Canada in my situation. This may be a good thing or it may not. I would hope that I am getting the top of the line treatments offered to me. If there is something better, then of course I want it.

My last blog I talked about my difficulties in the hospital with my last surgery. I have since found out that I was ticked off with the anesthesia people when it was actually the surgical resident that was the problem. I wouldn't have really known who he was since he never did introduce himself. I had a lengthy conversation with the patient advocate representative from the hospital and had all of my concerns heard. Sounds like a case of an arrogant surgeon (go figure). I've decided to put this behind me and just be thankful that the surgery was successful. I'm sure this won't be the last time I run into a health care professional that "doesn't get it".

So I started typing this blog the other day and am picking off where I left off with the newest information that I received today. After getting tired of waiting for my oncologist to give me my pathology back I decided to make an appointment with my GP and get them from her which is what I did today. I am not always the most patient of patients. It seems that I was the only one not in the loop and not knowing what was going on. The news was good in that it did come back as metastatic melanoma with clear margins and no involvment of lymph nodes. In fact, they didn't mention anything about lymph nodes on the pathology report so I have no idea what my surgeon was seeing in there. So that is that! Unfortunately, there is no chemotherapy or radiation that they can offer me so that is the end of my treatment for now. I will be seeing him next week so then I can discuss a plan with him. The treatment options are changing frequently with melanoma as they are learning more and more about it and trying different ways to treat it all the time especially recently. Hopefully they will come up with something soon. I've heard of several new therapies which are in clinical trials right now. Right now I am feeling great! Very relieved and happy to be back to my No Evidence of Disease status!!

It's too bad that we just can't seem to stay away from the hospital though. My Mom fell the other day and broke her arm so she has been in the hospital ever since waiting to get in for surgery. We are really hoping and praying that they get her in today. She is on the waiting list right now so whenever one of them has time she will get in. They are controlling her pain well and she has a sweet nurse who is taking really good care of her. Nurses make all the difference in the world! Thank you to all of the wonderful, caring and compassionate nurses out there who do such an amazing job and don't get the recoginition they so deserve.

So, hopefully things calm down around here so that we can have a nice, peaceful Christmas. Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays so far and taking time to enjoy the small things.

The Stubborn Pirate

2011-11-17T06:08:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I went in for surgery last Tuesday after returning home from the Conference and now that I've had some time to let everything sink in I thought that I would write about it. I warn you in advance that this is a long one and you may need to get a cup of coffee/tea/hot chocolate before you sit down in front of the computer to read this. Get yourself comfy... Here goes..... I was admitted into the hospital at 11:00 Tuesday morning which was so nice - not too early. My surgery was scheduled for 1:00 so I had lots of time to get into my gown, get my IV put in and get ready for the OR. Jeff and my mom sat and visited with me during this time. Jeff had me cracking up like he usually does under a fairly stressful situation. This is how we deal with things like this. I talk about how fortunate I feel and how lucky I am to be able to be having surgery. And Jeff laughs saying "Oh yeah. You are just so lucky! If only everyone could be as lucky as you." It's all in the way you look at things. Really, I might not even be here right now so it does make me feel grateful and lucky to get any treatment that will save or extend my life. Before we knew it at around 1:00 they were ready for me.

This time things went a little differently. They had me walk down with Jeff and my mom where the hallway splits off - in one direction to the waiting room where Jeff and my mom have been many times before and in the other direction - the operating rooms. We parted there with hugs and Jeff whispered in my ear "Everything is going to be alright". It's always so hard to part ways at this point and not being in a wheelchair was so weird. "K, see you guys later! Bye!" as I walk away. So then I end up in another waiting room where I will wait for my turn to go into the OR.

I get situated comfortably at the end of a long row of recliners. After being offered warm blankets and a pillow I can relax as they ask me all of their questions. "Do you know why you're here? What procedure are you having done? Which side are we operating on?" My nurse was great. He was very friendly, compassionate and spoke to me like a person. I had two concerns which I discussed with him. The first was whether to have an epidural or not. I was not offered an epidural the last time I had this surgery because of their concerns with my brain metastasis/swelling at the time (last year). This time they were offering me an epidural and so I had some questions about it. What if it did cause problems for me? I didn't have an epidural last time and pain control was good. I had an amazing anesthesist last time and he made sure that I felt nothing and had good pain control post op. My nurse thought that my concerns were valid and that I should speak to the anesthesist about it and he strongly encouraged me to make up my own mind and advocate for myself. The second thing was having the arterial line placed after I had been put to sleep instead of before. I've had both and just let it be known that if I had a choice I would prefer it be put in after I was asleep. He agreed and didn't blame me at all for wanting this.

After speaking to the resident anesthesist about it she gave me three choices: have an epidural before surgery, wait and if needed get one after the surgery if my pain is not being controlled or not have one at all. After further discussion I chose option 2 - wait and if needed have an epidural after surgery if I can't handle the pain. Great! She thought that this was reasonable and we were all on the same page. My wonderful nurse also spoke out for me and I got my arterial line placed after I was asleep. Thank you to this amazing nurse for advocating for me and for listening to me. I saw another familiar face in the room - the nurse who had looked after me for the previous two surgeries. She actually remembered me and we had a quick little chat. It felt good to see someone familiar in there. After a quick discussion with my surgeon I am off and walking down the hallway to OR #5.

So I enter the room and hop up on the table while being introduced to a room full of people in gowns and masks. I'm being attached to multiple electrodes which I'm told will monitor me during the surgery. The mask is placed over my face and the anesthesist asks me what I would like to dream of. This is the first time seeing this guy (he didn't come to speak to me with the resident) so as I'm thinking about it he says puppies or kittens? Neither. I'm thinking more along the lines of maybe my kids or even Jon Bon Jovi. So we settle on a hot beach somewhere and before I know it I'm asleep.

I'm starting to wake up and I can hear people talking. The anesthesist is up by my head and he's talking about me - saying how stubborn I am. Really? Why is that? I can feel myself getting mad. Then he tells me to cough and as I do I feel a long tube being pulled from my throat. Now, I must admit that it probably is quite comical hearing someone coughing up a tube like this that has been in their throat for hours but he says to everyone "She sounds like a pirate! Argh! Argh!" After alot of laughter I fall back asleep. I wake up again lying in the recovery room. Pain is burning through my chest so much so that I can barely talk. The nurse asks where my pain is and I think I just tell her it hurts alot. I feel like I can't move, talk or breathe. Everything hurts. The anesthesist comes over and asks about my pain. I tell him it hurts alot. His response is "If you had let me give you an epidural you wouldn't be having this pain." OK, I'm thinking but we decided not to do the epidural so now what? I can't verbalize what I'm thinking because I'm in too much pain. I'm falling in and out of sleep but when I'm awake I am full of pain and can't do anything about it. The nurse finally comes with a pain pump and hooks me up and I start to feel better immediately. They wheel me down to the floor where I will be staying.

My family comes in after they get me settled. I'm in a room with three other people and it is super crowded. My family seems upset. Apparently, they have been waiting in the surgical waiting room for hours (during my surgery and the whole time I was in the recovery room) and no one let them know that I was even out of surgery. So they are starting to get worried and when my mom phones over to recovery they let her know that I've already been sent to the ward. They were starting to think that maybe something had gone wrong during the surgery; meanwhile, I was out of surgery early. Anyway, we are getting settled and I am basically in and out for the next several hours. My blood pressure is quite low and they are monitoring me closely putting me in the bed directly across from the nursing desk. Apparently they had trouble with my blood pressure the whole time keeping a close watch on it. My family all left to let my get some rest and my night nurse is the same nurse I had last time. Super nice woman and we would spend the next several hours through the night trying to get me to pee. Yes, pee. This is a big deal after surgery. Your bladder is filling itself up, overflowing, yet you can't feel it because you are numb from all the drugs. So you either have to pee eventually or they catheterize you. Now, if you had the choice. What would you choose? I wanted to pee on my own so badly but it just wouldn't happen - no matter what. After an ultrasound of my bladder showing that I had twice the amount of fluid in there than I shouldI had to give up and go for the catheter. Finally after this I could sleep in between waking up to give myself more morpine through the pain pump.

The next mornning were rounds and I can't exactly remember in which order I saw and spoke to everyone but seeing the anesthesist is clear in my mind. He is complaining about being woken up at 2 am to order a catheter for me. He's not happy about being disturbed. This doesn't even make sense to me. Why would he have to order this and wouldn't they anticipate this happening since I'm sure it's very common for people to have trouple peeing after a big surgery like this? Asks me about my pain. It's much better now but not perfect. He reminds me once again that if I had not refused an epidural I would have been better off. What? I am finally able to tell him that it wasn't just that I didn't want an epidural. I am so confused at this point. Does he just think that I am afraid of needles? Does he know everything that I have been through? He really does just think that I am being sucky and not wanting a needle in my back. Seriously?! He finally decides to ask me the question, "Why is it that you didn't want an epidural, then?" I tell him a bit about my history and how they had told me how dangerous it could be for someone with either brain metastasis or swelling to start playing around with the central nervous system. How it could cause major problems for me. I havn't had a brain MRI for three months. I don't know what's going on up there. I just didn't want to chance it especially since I had such good pain control during the previous surgery. I had no problems. He just looked at me with a blank look on his face and left. That was it. Did he not read my chart? He had no idea about my history? This is the one and only time I have run in to someone like this during the last two years of being in the health care system. He was not compassionate, didn't listen and didn't seem to care about anything but himself. All I can say is what a jerk and he will NEVER be coming near me again. My pain control was not handled properly and I feel like he wasn't concerned with making my pain manageable because he wanted me to be sorry that I didn't choose an epidural. That is not right! I shouldn't remember what went on when I was being extubated and I wouldn't if I had been drugged appropriately. My last surgery I don't remember what happened most of the first day because they wanted to make sure that I was kept comfortable. What a different experience this was. Glad I will never have to deal with this guy again!

I then have a woman (wasn't sure exactly who she was) come in and again talk to me about pain. By this point I had been using the pain pump and was doing fine with it. She was here to give me an epidural just in case I was having too much pain. No, I'm good. Thanks though. What's with the epidural push? When I was there having my baby I begged for an epidural and never did end up getting one and now they are pushing it on me. Anyway, I think that it was just ordered by the resident I had spoken too as we had planned just in case the pain pump wasn't working enough. So that was all good.

Another visitor that morning was my surgeon and his assistant. Of couse I ask how things went and am told that if you wake up in recovery and get sent down to the ward that means that things went well. OK. I was hoping for more specifics. Obviously, I'm happy that I woke up. That's always a good sign. So surgery went well. The surgeon then tells me that what he did remove from my lung was black and that there were also some dark lymph nodes there that he removed as well. I'm still not exactly sure what this means and we won't have any more information than this until the pathology comes back. I don't like the sounds of it. We thought that it was a little 6x8 mm nodule - that's it. So he then lets me know that I can leave. OK. I havn't been up out of bed yet, I havn't peed on my own yet, my pain is still not completely under control and I'm hooked up to a pain pump, it hasn't even been 24hours since my lung surgery and I can go? Really? Yep, no problem. I just have to have the tube hanging out of my chest removed and my IV out and off I go. Wow! Just like that. So I'm very cautiously optomistic that this is really possible. A few hours earlier I heard the woman in the next bed talking to the woman across from her. "Watch this young one next to us. She'll be in and out of here in no time". She sounded very perturbed by this and I can't blame her. She had been there for 3 weeks at the time dealing with complications from her surgery. Just so that people know though. Curtains are not sound proof. People can hear what you are saying on the other side of that curtain. Like Hello!!! It's fabric!

So I'm thinking that there is no way that I am ready to go home today. I would love to because it is not fun having three other room mates and listening to all the noises of the hospital. And come on hospital food really is disgusting! So I'm lying there thinking about all this and then someone comes in with some things for me to "bath myself" with. Special wipes because there has been an outbreak of VRE on the ward. What? Come on. The nurse explains that there is some kind of bug outbreak which at first I think he's talking about bed bugs and I freak out. No it's some kind of superbug that is resisent against antibiotics. Great! Now I really do want to get out of here. I get my first visitor of the day, Linda. I'm a little overwhelmed with everthing that has gone on this morning already. People coming in and out. I'm trying to bath myself with the wipes to make sure I don't get some kind of weird bug and my curtain keeps getting pulled open but the woman next to me. I just kept thinking "Please get me the hell out of here". A breathe of fresh air - Linda. We just start visiting and then x-ray is here to take me down for a chest x-ray and physio is here to take me for a walk. Linda is great and helps me manoever around all the mess in the hallway and get me to where I need to be. My x-ray turns out and then they are here to pull my tube out.

I'm up walking around so they disconnect the pain pump and give me some T#3's. Christine and my mom are here and shocked that they are talking about letting me go home. After hearing about the bug outbreak (there's signs up all over the ward) and hearing all the commotion going on we all decide that it's best if I go home. I do some laps in the hallway and have a pee on my own. Yayyy!!! I didn't get a smartie but I did hear myself say "Oh yeah!" and give a little fist pump. The T#3's seem to be managing the pain. Good enough. Let's go! I pack up all my stuff which I didn't even have time to unpack and get my IV out. After getting my discharge instructions I am so out of there. I had actually went into the hospital thinking that I would stay for at least a couple of days so to be on my way home by around 2:00 that afternoon was a surprise to say the least. The kids were so excited to see me after school! We had an awesome night together and boy was it ever so good to be home!!!

This last week I have been resting lots. My pain is getting less and less every day and I am starting to feel more like myself. I have gotten out of the house every day going for little walks or getting the kids to their appointments. I have been sleeping better and better every night and feel like things are going really well. It's a little over a weeks since surgery and I think that I am doing pretty well. Tomorrow, I go back to the surgeon and have my stitches and my staples removed. My insicion is alot longer this time than the last and my pain seems to be worse so I think that it will take me just a little bit longer this time to be back to my old self. Everyone has been wonderful helping get the kids to hockey, coming and making us meals and cleaning up. Thank you so much for this. It really means alot to us to have so much support.

Kaden comes into my room the other day and says, "So Mommy, you don't have cancer anymore right?" I was slow with my response and he continues, "You had surgery so now it's all gone?" "Yes, you are right." I finally respond. Half not believing what I am saying but not sure what else to say. Then I hear him go into the living room and announce to the boys and their friends that his mom doesn't have cancer anymore because she had surgery and they took it all out. God, I hope that he is right...

I am grateful for an amazing husband who makes me laugh when I need it the most and lets me cry when I can't laugh anymore. My kids amaze me everyday with the way they handle life and have grown up so much in the past couple of years. They are growing up into the little men that I always dreamed they would become. We have family right there helping us get through this and taking care of me. The love I feel is so overwhelming! I know that even those who don't live close keep us close to their hearts and this means so much to us. There are alot of people out there praying for us and cheering us on and this is what keeps our spirits up and keeps us strong. Thank you....

We ARE all innocent!

2011-11-16T07:16:00.000-08:00

Ottawa Conference 2011

2011-11-12T10:42:00.000-08:00

So the last couple of weeks have really flown by. We celebrated Kaden's 7th birthday with a day full of fun. He had a birthday party with lots of his friends all dressed up in costumes, playing games and eating lots of treats. He had a great time. Then we had the family over for supper and cake. It was a very full and very fun day!! I also finished up work and have been off for the past two weeks. I did feel very sad closing my office door at the end of the day and saying goodbye to everyone there. Everyone has been so great with my return to work I felt like it was way too soon for me to be leaving again.

I was so happy to have the conference to look forward to so that I wasn't dwelling on the rest. We had an absolutely amazing time in Ottawa! My sisters and I were all able to attend the Young Adult Cancer Canada conference this time - Christine as a facilitator, Me as a Survivor and Laura as my Supporter. This was Laura's first experience with YACC and it was a very special one for sure. Laura and I spent our first day walking around Ottawa in the rain (with umbrellas of course) and it was absolutely beautiful. We stopped in at the Art Gallery and spent a few hours in this calm, peaceful place taking it all in. Besides getting to spend this time with my sisters, I so needed to reconnect with some of my cancer buddies. It's such a different world with us in a room together. Nothing like cutting right to the chase. People are so open and ready to share that there is no small talk. What kind of cancer do you have? What has your treatment been like and by the end of the conversation you are talking about relationships, fears, futures, bowel habits... It is pretty amazing how open cancer makes people. I love getting to know people at this level. It is so real.

I took away alot from this conference: a feeling of community, hope, strength, faith, knowledge and motivation. I was again reminded that 1% is not 0%. Anything is possible and no one knows what the future holds. I also realized how much guilt and blame that I was carrying with my cancer diagnosis. Apparently, there is nothing that I could have done in my short 36 years on this earth that could have caused myself to get cancer. The first time I heard this I said it over and over again in my head and thought that for sure he must be wrong but then when I really thought about it I realized that maybe it was true. I didn't even realize that I blamed myself for this happening. The questions that I get asked from my health care providers like; Do you spend alot of time in the sun? Have you used a tanning bed? Do you wear sunscreen? Then when my cancer spread to my lungs the question always asked; Do you smoke or have you ever smoked? All of these questions made a huge impact on me and implied to me that they thought that there was obviously something that I had done to cause this disease to pick on me. The realization that there really was nothing horrible that I had done to cause this to happen felt like a huge burden lifted from me. It is NOT my fault. Wow! I am also very motivated once again to help make my quality of life the best that it can be by taking great care of myself and my body.

The highlights for me from the conference were hearing Geoff's story. It was so inspiring but also full of humour and lots of lessons to be learned. Our speakers were full of knowledge about brain fog, exercise and yoga. I spent some time with some really amazing people who taught me so much about living life and inspired me to live and be well. Reconnecting with people I either have never met before or hadn't seen in a year or more was awesome! Hearing the stories and how people cope with their cancer and find healing. (Even if the healing does not always come physically) Hearing that my cancer had returned again this time was heartbreaking. I have found it very difficult to wrap my head around. And hearing out loud that my cancer will most likely keep coming back again and again was not easy. I realized being away at this conference that this was all so hard to hear that I wasn't really feeling it. I had become numb, not able to feel what all of this meant to me. The problem with this is that you can not feel any of the wonderful, amazing feelings either. Being at this conference really awakened all of my feeling (both good and bad) and let me finally let go of some of the crap. I feel so much more whole now and alive.

I missed Jeff and the kids like crazy while I was gone but I really think that it did me a lot of good to give myself this time away. As the weekend came to a close I couldn't help but start thinking about surgery coming up and starting to dread this but I focused more on getting back home and seeing Jeff and the boys. They are what keep me going and motivate me to live my best. I would do anything for my family. I love them so much.. I just wish that I could make all this cancer crap disappear and all of the pain and sadness that comes along with it.

Thank you YACC family for an amazing conference full of everything that I needed - energy, laughter, motivation, understanding, love and hope....

Tough times don't last... tough people do. -Earl Cook

2011-10-04T16:47:00.000-07:00

So, alot has happened in the past few weeks and I have to admit it has been extremely difficult for my entire family. We said goodbye to my cousin Earl on September 18 (Jeff's birthday) and this has been very hard on everyone. As most of you know Earl has been fighting hard against his cancer for the past several years. He never gave up - ever! He always smiled and lived his life the way that he wanted, never missing an opportunity to have fun. Just a month before, we spent the day at Quarry Days watching the kids on the rides and eating mini-doughnuts, sipping lemonade even though I know he was exhausted and not feeling great. I will never again be able to watch Trailor Park Boys and not think of Earl's goofy laugh! He had such a big heart always thinking of others. At an appointment for his CT not long ago, as the woman across from us was choking down the contrast she had to drink two glasses of, Earl says to me "Natalie, I want to give her some of my iced tea powder". Earl brings some Crystal light or iced tea mix to stir into the contrast so that it doesn't taste so terrible. After I said sure, he offered it to her. She declined smiling but I thought it was so sweet that he didn't like seeing someone else uncomfortable and wanted to help make it easier for her. It's hard to believe that we will never see him again. The boys are very angry and sad but they can all picture Earl up in heaven playing in goal for his team. The question was asked,"Where was Earl's God the night he died." My answer to this to the boys was "Right there with Earl in his arms releasing him from his pain and suffering." And I truly do believe this. The service for Earl was held at the MTS centre and was exactly what Earl would have wanted - a service about the two things that Earl loved most in this world - God and hockey. It was very spiritual and beautiful. We will all miss him so much. Like Earl used to say all the time "Tough times don't last...tough people do." He was definitely tough. We love you Earl!

Unfortunately, Earl was supposed to receive the Ace Bailey Award of Courage a week later. He was so looking forward to this evening even making sure that his surgery and any chemotherapy treatments would be arranged around this special night. His mom (Debbie) accepted his award on his behalf in Toronto and I'm sure that he was looking down and loving every minute of it.

While all this was happening we were still waiting for me to get in for the PET scan which showed that there was only one "hot spot" in my right middle lobe. Good news!! We waited anxiously for the next week until I got in to see the Thoracic surgeon to see if he thought that this was operable. I saw him yesterday and found out that -Yes- he will do the surgery the beginning of November. Since this is most likely another melanoma tumour we don't want to wait to watch and see if it spreads. I made sure that he knew how much I wanted this thing gone ASAP. The PET scan showed that it seems to be growing very slowly so another 4 weeks should not affect things too much. So now it's time to get my body strong for another surgery so that I can bounce back as quickly as last time. I am still working finishing up my back to work program and start full time next week. I will work until just before my surgery date and then will be off again for somewhere between 6-8 weeks for recovery. My boss is being really great about this and hopefully I won't run into any problems along the way.

It's hard to believe that "It's back" and I am having to deal with this again already. They talk about this being my fourth recurrence which makes absolutely no sense to me. The lesion on my temple would be the first occurrence, then the brain and lung happened at the same time so that would be REcurrence #1 and now the lung again would be REcurrence #2. By my books this would only be my 2nd recurrence but whatever....

I know that this is not the ideal situation. Of course it's not good when you're cancer reuccurs any number of times but I still feel well and am willing to do whatever it takes to get back to my previous NED (no evidence of disease) status.
I am much more accepting of my living with cancer and now realize that it will be with me now on and off (hopefully mostly off) for the rest of my life. I am trying to find a more balanced approach to dealing with this instead of living on this up and down rollar coaster which I am quite frankly tired of riding. I was listening to my Jann Arden CD on the way to work the other day and her cover song Peace Train came on. Then it hit me - I just need to hop on to the Peace Train. "I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come. Up on the edge of darkness, there rides a peace train. Peace train sounding louder, ride on the peace train. Come on the peace train. It's not so far from you and it's getting nearer. Soon it will all be true! Everyone up on the peace train!" I can guarantee you that as soon as that peace train comes anywhere near me again I am hitching a ride!!

So how does a person get ready for a doctor's appointment with a surgeon who will decide ultimately if he will do surgery or not? As I was getting ready Monday morning for my appointment I thought alot about this. I was preparing myself mentally for either decision that he would make. I rehearsed my side of things and reasons why I wanted this surgery several times in my head just in case I had to debate my side of things. Also, getting ready I thought about how I needed to look - not too healthy but not too sick either. What if he looked at me and thought "She doesn't look strong enough to go through another surgery." or "She's looks pretty good. She'll be fine for a while. This isn't a big rush." I actually laughed out loud at myself in the mirror thinking that I was losing my mind. Who thinks about how healthy or how sick they should look for a doctor's appointment??

So, here we are getting ready for another surgery and remaining hopeful that this will be the last one that I will need because the cancer does not come back. The weekend before surgery I will be attending the Young Adult Cancer Canada conference and am amazed that it has once again worked out perfectly and I will get the chance to reconnect with my friends before coming back for surgery. Some things just fall into place and work out the way that they are meant to and this is one of them.

Thank you to all of you for keeping me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. It means alot to us. And so Earl and I go our seperate ways on this journey but both of us I know will find our own peace....
Love you buddy xoxoxo

Stupid Cancer

2011-09-09T11:42:00.000-07:00

How quickly things can change....

Last weekend Jeff & I took the boys to Minniapolis and had a really great time. We celebrated my birthday by going out for a nice dinner and the following day going to the waterpark. I started back to work the following day and had an awesome first day back. Got re-accquianted with everyone and got settled into my new office. I must say that on the drive there I felt so full of gratitude. I was so happy to be able to finally get back to work and be somewhat normal again. And the fact that I was returning to work meant that I was well and heatlhy again, right?? Alot of people dread going to work and I just felt like it was the best thing that could be happening. I must say that being back there was a little weird in a way because alot of things reminded me of when I was sick. I found a paper where I was keeping track of all my headaches and how I was feeling on a daily basis; trying to figure out what the headaches were from and how much Tylenol I was taking. Sort of brought everything that had happened back. Everyone there was so friendly and happy to see me back and well again.

Wednesday morning was my scheduled appointment with my Oncologist where I would be getting back all of my test results from the previous scans. I really am feeling great and wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary. The resident came in and let us know that something was found on my chest scan - a tumour in the right middle lobe of my lung. It's a bit larger than the one I had removed last year and that one was in my right lower lobe. It is still quite small, 6 x 8 mm, but we need to jump on it ASAP. I am being sent for a PET scan in two weeks to see if there are any more hot spots which would mean that there is more than one tumour there. We are really hoping and praying that this is the only one and that they will be able to operate to remove it. If it is inoperable then I will be offered chemotherapy. I have to say that having a few really good friends in the waiting room was really nice. A few people that I have met through the Melanoma Support Group were waiting for their appointments so I got lots of hugs and comfort from them. It was really nice for both me and my mom.

So, we go from being excited and happy to being disappointed and worried over night. I am focusing right now on how I feel. I feel great! No chest pain, no shortness of breathe, no cough. I don't really understand how this can be and am anxious to find out more about what is going to happen. The really great news was that my brain MRI was stable - nothing new there popping up. This was a full body scan and this was the only spot that was found so I am grateful for that.

I do feel angry and disappointed that all of my planning and preparation has blown up in my face but I am still trying to figure out how to at least finish my back to work program before I have treatment. I feel a little betrayed by my body leading me to believe that I am gaining my health back and then snatching it back from me. Really though what can I do? We are all obviously very upset with this latest news but remain very hopeful that this will be easily treated. I remind myself that the tumour in my brain was much larger than this one and I got through that so this should be a walk in the park compared to that. Plus I've already had a chest surgery and it went very well.

I have registered and am so looking forward to attending another YACC conference which is in Ottawa in November. Hopefully things will fall into place and allow me to attend. Every event that I have been to through YACC has been amazing and very life changing. I honestly don't know what I would do without being a part of this and being able to connect with such wonderful people. If you or someone you know is a young adult (age 18 - 35ish) and dealing with a cancer dianosis this is an organization that you or they will want to connect with. Check out the website at www.youngadultcancer.ca and register for the conference. There is also a group of young adults which gets together at CancerCare in Winnipeg every month and they have been a huge support. I love going and catching up with everyone. They totally get it!

So, for the next two weeks I will just keep going and enjoying life while waiting to see what will happen. I actually scheduled a manicure/pedicure at the spa next week to finally use the gift certificate that's been sitting on my dresser for months and months.

Be well and live life to its fullest!!

Heigh ho...heigh ho....it's off to work I go........

2011-08-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how quickly August is flying by.....

We have been having lots of fun with all the company we have been getting. It's hard to imagaine that next week the kids will be back in school and I will be back to work. I had my meeting last month with my boss and my CPP coordinator to plan out my back to work and it went very well. I will return on a gradual return to work program that will go for 5 weeks so I am not returning full time right off the bat. I am both very excited to get back into the swing of things and also very nervous about how things will go. I have been feeling great the past several weeks and hope that my returning to work does not change this. I am looking forward to seeing everyone there again and hope that I can just jump back into things and be normal for a while.

I went for my planned brain MRI last week and so am a little nervous as I wait for these results to come back. I go for a CT scan tomorrow where they are scanning my abdomen, pelvis, chest and neck and then I see my oncologist the following week when I will get all of these results back. I have to admit that I am really nervous about this and hopefully will be super relieved after this appointment. I feel a little bit like "Could life really get back to some sort of normal after all this or is that just wishful thinking?"

I wound up with a stitch abscess in my arm from the wide excision I had done several weeks ago. I guess my body rejected these stitches that eventually are supposed to dissolve on their own. My incision opened up and the stitches started coming out but things are finally starting to heal again and now it looks like it will heal up nicely.

While planning my return to work I have also been getting the kids ready to get back to school. What a job that is!! Glad the boys are getting old enough to help label all their stuff!! It will actually be so nice to get into a regular routine and see how that feels. We are all so looking forward to this.

We have really enjoyed these past few weeks visiting with friends and family. We had a great time at Quarry Days. The supper to welcome home the troops this past weekend was so much fun! We danced and sang and laughed all night!! Jeff and I had an absolute blast!! I havn't danced like that for such a long time! It felt really good!

So although there is still alot of uncertainty, right now it feels good to be able to make plans for the future (something we havn't been able to do for the past year and a half) and look forward to seeing how life will be. It is sometimes not easy living with so much uncertainty and fear of what will happen but we have to focus on everything good in our lives.

Weekend of Fun!!!

2011-08-03T09:29:00.001-07:00

So, we're back from our weekend of fun in Kenora and it was awesome! We all had a really great time. It was a nice balance of fun and relaxation. We took the famous hike up blueberry hill and it was so neat to watch the kids picking blueberries and having fun with their cousins. It so reminded me of when I was little, and what a beautiful view when you get up there. We also had an outdoor movie night every night that we were there. Popcorn and everything. The kids loved it! We even had surround sound thanks to Chris!! The big blow up slide was such a hit during the hot afternoons and we spent lots of time at the beach in the water! Our last day there the kids went tubing and had an absolute blast!!! Then it was time to pack up and head home. It was a really fun weekend although we did really miss the two families that couldn't make it this year. Next year! A few of us ended up coming down with the flu while we were there but we carried on and tried not to let this put a damper on the weekend. Thanks to the Lindsays for another really fun and memorable weekend!

It was so nice to get away and not have cancer right in our faces for the weekend. But of course when we got home I had to think about it once again and went into Cancer Care yesterday to get my staples removed. It was actually a great day and much, much better than I had expected. We (my big sis and I) went into Winnipeg a little early and did some shopping. Then we headed over to the doctors and although we had to wait for a little over an hour it was well worth the wait when we finally got in! My pathology report was back already and it was good news!! NOT metastatic melanoma!!! Yayyyyy!! I am very relieved to have gotten this removed now as there was a definite nodule there 4.2 mm in size. Pathology showed that there were some very rare cells shown and it is possible that this was a metastatic (cancerous) lesion that had healed (possibly because of the treatment I was on or my immune system working overtime). We are very relieved and happy with this news!

While sitting in the waiting room I got a call from my GP and my ultrasound results were back already. They came back normal along with my pap test so I'm on a roll!! I love that as soon as my GP gets my results she now just gives me a call on my cell to let me know right away. Makes me feel like we are staying on top of things. I don't have another appointment scheduled for anything for the next 2 1/2 weeks so will be taking full advantage of this freedom.

I feel so grateful for all of the blessings in my life every day! Most of these blessings are the people that surround me! Love to you all!!

2011-07-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

So just a little update on things...

I did see the oncology surgeon (actually her resident - but not the same one that did my biopsy)and my instincts were right, the lump was still in my arm. I really was trying to convince myself that it was scar tissue or something. After feeling my arm they decided that it was best to get it out so I was scheduled for an excision the following week which I had done last Tuesday. I was expecting the same sort of procedure as last time but she decided to excise a larger area to make sure that she got it so I ended up leaving with 9 staples in my arm. I am relieved to have this over with and look forward to hearing what the pathology comes back as. The first pathology report did say that it was normal tissue - they couldn't find any abnormal tissue which should have been the first clue that they missed it. Anyway, we examined the lump that came out and it really doesn't look like anything concerning (it wasn't black) but she is putting a rush on it so hopefully we will hear something soon. They let my sister stay in the room during the procedure which isn't the norm but it was really nice having that support there. It is so important to advocate for yourself and know exactly what is happening.

This week I have a scan of my pelvis and then we are spending the long weekend with family. I am so looking forward to this weekend! I am feeling alot better than I was a few weeks ago. My energy is up and I am ready to have some fun!

Hope you all enjoy the long weekend!!!

Care-Free??

2011-07-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well, we have sure been enjoying these past few weeks of sunshine! It has been so beautiful here! June was so busy with finishing up school and celebrating our two oldest boys' birthdays, 10 and 13 which is so hard to believe. Where does the time go? Jeff & I celebrated our anniversary - 11 years. We had a get together with the family for my mom's birthday! My parents celebrated their 45th anniversary last week. "45 years of happy love" as my 10-year old put it. Not to mention we had a BBQ at our place to celebrate Canada Day. The fireworks out here in Stonewall are amazing every year. So as you can tell we have been busy doing lots of celebrating! It's been nice too spending the days with the boys swimming and having time to relax not needing to be anywhere really at any time. It's been a nice change of pace. Of course though it hasn't been all fun...

I did wind up back at the doctor's last week (I can't seem to get away from that place) with some new issues. We don't really know if it's the Interferon that has done a number on my body or if this is from something else but my iron levels have been affected among other things so while I'm drinking extra green smoothies (lots of spinach) I am waiting for an appointment for an ultrasound and a consult with a gynacologist. I won't go into details but some of these symptoms are gyne-related. I am feeling pretty drained and tired but not nearly as much as I did a few months ago so hopefully the iron and B12 that I am now taking will take care of things and we can figure out what exactly is going on quickly.

Also, I am back to see the surgeon about the biopsy that I had done several weeks ago. It seems as things have healed up, a lump is still obvious in my arm and so now I hope that the area of concern was actually removed. There has been some confusion about what the pathology report actually came back as. I have been told that it was normal tissue and also that it was a mole so hopefully, at this appointment she can clarify things and maybe reassure me that the correct area was removed. She wasn't the one actually doing the biopsy, it was a resident. I've been trying to ignore this for the past few weeks but decided it was better to get it checked out. Will find out on Wednesday....

So the fun never ends!

I have learned this from the past week though: Trying to carve out a large piece of time completely free of health concerns at this point and time is not possible for me. My body (and mind) has been through alot over the past two years and now needs the time to heal. Trying to bounce right back into life before cancer is just making me feel like I'm failing because I can't do it. Longing for life without cancer is only leaving me feeling frustrated and I'm realizing that it's impossible to make things different then what they really are. It's difficult to shift this way of thinking. I have always thought of myself as a healthy person. When someone asks (usually a new doctor) how my health is my automatic response is "Great! I'm healthy, no problems. Oh yeah, except for the cancer. Other than that I'm really healthy." I sort of thought that in life after treatment I would be able to believe this but the reality is finally sinking in. Wikipedia tells me that I have a 9-15% chance of a 5-year survival - not liking those odds. Just so everyone knows, I don't believe in statistics, I am not a statistic and I don't feel that anyone can predict what will happen in the future. But the truth is I do read them. My doctor does not like to discuss prognosis with me because he can't see the future. So I guess this leaves me with either scenerio A - I am in that 9-15% who survive at least 5 years, or B - I'm not, or C - I am different and when I'm 90-years old will be sitting in my rocking chair on my porch finally feeling like I have beaten cancer giving high-fives to everyone passing by!

If I had a choice, I would choose scenerio C!

So, although this summer isn't looking like it will be as care-free as I thought, it will definitely be fun-filled! We are planning a couple of weekend trips to get away and have some fun with the kids. I guess it comes back to balance again. Taking care of what needs to be done and then having some fun! My plans to return to work in the fall havn't changed and I am working at getting everything in place for this to happen. I am actually really looking forward to it! Life is all new now and will take some adjusting to figure everything out and find a balance. I do fully understand now how important it is to live in the present. The past is done and we can't change what has happened and the future is unknown so the only thing that I am sure about is this very moment.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present. ~Babatunde Olatunji

Feeling Free!!!

2011-06-21T19:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!

I hope you are all enjoying some sunshine (responsibly) and having a good start to your summer!

Sometimes having cancer can be like having a full time job. This is how it has felt like around our house the last couple of weeks. I was determined to not let these latest doctors appointments and procedures ruin my happy feeling of being off the Interferon. I really am feeling amazingly better! Like I said in my last post, I was going to meet with the thyroid doctor and that visit went really smoothly. My ultrasound didn't show any drastic changes over the past 6 months so he discharged me to be followed up by my GP. We will be keeping an eye on my thyroid function levels and I will be going for another thyroid ultrasound in the next year.

I did have a few lumps and bumps removed over three weeks ago and finally got the pathology back on Monday which came back benign. No cancer! What a relief! I was trying not to think of what would happen if these came back malignant. But sometimes it's really hard not to when you know that it is possible. More treatment? More scans and tests? I prayed alot over the past few weeks and this did two things for me. It made me feel better and not so worried and it also worked! They were answered and now I don't have to worry about -what if? My whole family just really needs a fun-filled, worry free summer and I am determined to make that happen.

I was asked to do a few little chats at Cancer Cancer about my experiences. One was for a group of doctors (about 20) and it went really well. They were so interested in what I had to say so that was great! I got some very positive feedback although I was a little nervous. I was able to talk to them about the issues that young adults are faced with specifically. Delay in diagnosis, being too young to have cancer which we all know is not true. I only had about 15 minutes but it ended up being much longer and they asked some really great questions.

I was also asked to speak at the Melanoma Information night last week. I was even more nervous at this one but am finding that sharing my story gets easier each time. In front of a theatre full of melanoma survivors, their families and our medical team I shared my experiences basically in the same way that I write my blog. I had some wonderful people come up to me afterwards and connecting with them was amazing. I remember sitting in that same theatre one year ago wondering where I would be now. Really wondering if one year later I would still be here... So it was really great to be standing there proving that we can beat this horrible disease.
I have been NED (no evidence of disease) for a little over a year and have already outlived the expected survival rates and it feels good.

I am still taking my Mindfullness Based Stress Reduction course and actually find that sometimes it is just too much for me. I skipped last week because I just felt completely overwhelmed with everything and not feeling like being too mindful. I felt angry and full of sadness all at the same time. We lost another friend to this horrible disease. I still can't think of it without tearing up and this intense sadness filling up my heart. I have to believe that he is up there flying, free and happy, not in pain anymore. I will never forget all the laughs and fun that we had, Caio. xoxo
It is not always easy to live in this world full of cancer where you connect at such a deep level with people and then have to say goodbye so soon. I can't imagine, though, going through this experience without that connection.

When I saw my oncologist last week we talked about what happens next. Basically, I get a break from doctors, tests, and scans for the summer. My blood work has bounced right back and is pretty much normal now. All of my scans have been coming back stable. I'm feeling great so now we enjoy the summer! I did talk to him about taking vitamins and supplements and he discourages me from doing this. Apparently there was a study done in which a group of people were given anti-oxidants (which Dr. Oz says is so good against cancer) and the other half were given nothing. The group taking the anti-oxidants had their cancer return much sooner than the group taking nothing. Well, I obviously don't want to be taking anything that is going to cause this to happen so what do I do? There are so many different supplements and vitamins out there that supposedly help your immune system and make you better able to fight this but how do I decide which ones I should be taking? It is all so overwhelming. My oncologist says that I am healthy and young so don't need anything but a healthy, normal diet. I'm really not sure which information to believe and don't have a tonne of money to be throwing around on things that have no merit and that will actually harm me. I'll have to do alot more thinking and reading up about what is best for me.

I have changed my diet quite a bit over the past year and a half; especially being on the Interferon because it made me nauseous most of the time. I do still love my blender and make alot of smoothies. It's amazing how much spinach you can get in there! Add a little pineapple and mango and I feel like I should be on a nice hot beach somewhere! Flax is my new best friend. I put it in everything! Quinoa is my new favorite "rice". It is so yummy and much healthier for you. We planted a big garden this year and can't wait to watch all those fresh veggies and herbs coming up. My goal is to eat as naturally as possible and completely eliminate any processed foods and sugar from my diet.

It feels really great to be able to go for a walk without being completely exhausted and wondering if I will make it back home again!. I have been out walking/running my dog everyday and it's great for both of us. I don't take this gift lightly. I remember a week or so after the brain surgery, I was at the gym with my sisters walking VERY SLOWLY on the treadmill and feeling like I just wanted to run but physically couldn't. I now don't take this for granted. I love the feeling I get when I'm running - Free!

I spent the most amazing day with my cousin, Sheri, a few weeks ago! Let me just say this - I came home revitalized and feeling so good about myself and the feeling hasn't worn off yet. It has given me a boost in self-confidence. (when you are sick this really does get knocked way down) I will never forget this day and am very grateful for it! Thank you!!

I have really been living it up these last few weeks and although life isn't always full of roses, it makes me appreciate them even more when they do come along. These wonderful things that happen to us everyday sometimes get covered by all the bad stuff going on and we don't pay much attention to them. They are there.

Cheers to a beautiful, care-free summer full of fun!!!

Finished and Feeling Fantastic!!

2011-05-29T05:39:00.000-07:00

So, on Wednesday May 11th I did my last Interferon injection and went to bed feeling a huge relief, excited to finally start feeling better. I woke up Thursday morning feeling horrible and I think part of the reason was that I was feeling great mentally (relieved and happy to have this treatment overwith) but physically realizing that it was going to take some time. Now two weeks have gone by and I can actually see improvements physically every day. It's great!! I've been out in the garden and able to do all of my stuff around the house without a huge effort. I've really noticed that doing laundry, running up and down the basement stairs, is not as exhausting now and I can fly up and down those stairs with no problem. I have way more energy for the kids and alot more patience too! lol My skin issues have almost all healed up and are resolving on their own. As I watch my body heal before my eyes it amazes me. We need to look after our bodies so that when we need them to look after us, they can.

I saw my Oncologist on the same day I took my last injection and a few things came out of that visit. He sent me for a chest x-ray because of some shortness of breath and a cough that I have had. The results were normal and I will be going for a CT scan if this persists. Interferon is known to cause these symptoms too so hopefully this will clear up now that I am finished. He also sent me to a Surgical Oncologist about a few lumps and bumps in my arm and leg. We were sort of watching them for a while but decided that since I was done my treatment we would go ahead and have a surgical consult. I saw the surgeon and had these removed last week so now we are waiting for the results saying that this is not cancer. I go back in a little over a week to have my stitches removed and hopefully my pathology report will be back then. Last week, I also had an ultrasound done of my thyroid and I see that doctor in a week and a half to talk about what we are going to do about that. It will be another busy few weeks but I am not letting any of this put a downer on how I am feeling now. I feel great!!

Speaking of which, a few weeks ago I went to the Look Good, Feel Better afternoon at Cancer Care. It was awesome and they sent us home with lots of free loot! (skin care and makeup products) Loved seeing that they are giving out a lot of information about sun safety and lots of free sunscreen! This is a program set up for anyone going through cancer treatments and needing a pick-me-up. I walked out of there feeling and looking so much better. They also talk about hair loss, wigs, wraps and how to feel great with no hair. Bald is beautiful!

I am also taking a course through Cancer Care called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction. I was very unsure of this at the beginning but after going weekly for the past few weeks I am so glad that I stayed with it. It has really helped me to be able to stay in the present moment and breathe!

So, what did we do to celebrate and say good bye to Interferon? We had a party!!! It was so nice to be around family and the kids had an absolute blast with their cousins! We spent the day outside and it was beautiful. So I feel like a new chapter is beginning and it feels really good!

I was driving with my six year old in the backseat the other day and he starts asking me all about cancer and why people die from it. I was actually shocked that at his age he would be thinking about this so I took a few minutes to think of something comforting and appropriate to say. After a quiet pause I thought I'd better ask him what he was thinking about to see where he was at. His response was...... Cotton Candy.

Thanks to you all for your support and love!
Enjoy every day!!!

Thank you so much!!

2011-04-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

Stonewall screening

2011-04-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Good Morning to you!!

Well, I finally get a chance to tell you all about Monday nights screening of Wrong Way to Hope in Stonewall. It was an awesome, powerful, inspiring night full of stories. It was so great to connect with Mikey and Bonnie again and to meet Jason and Cassandra (friends of theirs helping them with the tour). We met up at our place for something to eat before heading to the hall to set up. Everyone really pitched in and in no time we had the hall set up and people started filing in (around 80 guests). The night started out with a few words from Jeff & I. I was super nervous and didn't get out everything that I wanted to say but then Mike & Bonnie with all of their great energy and excitement did a great intro to the movie. My great friend, Dawn stood up and sang a beautiful song by Pink - Glitter in the Air. You are amazing Dawn! It was absolutely beautiful. Gavin (Dawn's friends' 14 yo son) accompanied her on keyboard and is soooo very talented. It started off the evening perfectly. Then it was time for the movie....

If you havn't seen this movie it is a definite Must See. After the movie was over we had a little discussion with the audience and a few questions were answered. Now, usually in a movie you can relate to a certain character depending on what you have had happen in your own life. In this movie, for me, it was Cheryl. Everything that she talked about in the movie I related to. So it was wonderful that she was able to come out to the screening and we could connect. We also had a few special guests come out from Cancer Care to provide information and support to people. These connections that I have made have really benefited me so I hope that others get the same opportunity.

Next was Cake Time!! The cakes were awesome and I thank everyone who baked or brought cakes for this night. They were YUMMY and very plentiful! This was a great time to talk to everyone about what they thought of the movie and to hear about their struggles and triumphs with cancer. We all connected with alot of people and it made me feel like we were defying cancer. This disease does a great job of isolating it's victims and making you feel like you are the only person in the world going through it. This night, as I looked around the room and watched people laughing, crying, bonding and connecting with eachother it proved to me that we can change this aspect of cancer. No one should have to face this alone. Together makes us much more powerful against this disease!

Everyone that I have talked to since this screening was very inspired by this film and very grateful for the opportunity to see it. I thank Mikey and Bonnie for not only making it but also for sharing it with all of us by doing this cross country tour. You are really changing lives with this tour. Keep Huck'n it Huge!!!

This night could not have happened without the support of my family and friends. Thanks for all that you do!! Jeff, Mom & Dad, Laura & Mike, Christine & Dan, Auntie Debbie & Earl, and Dawn - Thank you for being the amazing, caring people that you are! I am so grateful to have each one of you in my life!! xoxo

Bonnie did a great job blogging about this night and has some fabulous pictures. You can check it out at http://wrongwaytohope.com/2011/04/stonewall-screening/. I'll try and link it up to my blog.

Stop, breathe, live.....

One Dream - Sarah McLachlan : Lyrics & HQ!

2011-03-31T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hope

2011-03-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

I hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful weather that we have been having. I'm missing the sunshine today but at least we have a lot less snow around. I went in and saw my oncologist yesterday and got the go ahead to continue on with my treatment. Can't beleive that we're down to 6 weeks now!! I have completed 42 of the 48 weeks in phase 2 of this treatment so far!! So my big question to him yesterday was - then what? Basically, I will be getting very closely monitored with visits back to him every 3 months and my scans every 3-4 months. Next month in May I will be going for another ultrasound on my thyroid and will see that surgeon again to see if anything has changed there. I will also be followed up annually by my Dermatologist to watch for any new spots on my skin. I feel myself already transitioning (slowly) into life after cancer. It is a very strange thing to go from just wanting one more Christmas with my family in 2009 to now wanting and being hopeful that I will have 50 with them. Right now we hope that the Interferon did its job and that I will have many, many years cancer-free.

Hope - such a powerful word when you sometimes struggle to find it. Hope is my best friend. It's what gets me through most days. She isn't always there for me but somehow I end up finding my way back to her. When you are diagnosed with a disease that is known to be "fatal", "deadly", "leaves no survivors" you hang on to hope and try not to let her go.

I am feeling a bit torn between being overjoyed that I am almost done with the treatment and fearful that this leaves me open and vulnerable to melanoma again. My immune system has been working double time fighting against this. What happens when that wears off? This is when I work hard at boosting my own immune system which is what I will be focusing on once I'm done the Interferon.

I am also focused on raising awareness of the support and services that are out there for people with cancer. Before I had cancer, I just assumed that when you were diagnosed these supports and services were handed to you for you to choose what you needed or wanted. Little did I know that you acually have to search these services out on your own which can be very overwhelming and exhausting when you have just found out that you have cancer. Did you know that free parking is available at cancer care for evening chemotherapy sessions? No one tells you this and we all know how expensive parking can be down town. Free housecleaning services for those in treatment? Wigs and skin care classes? It is not easy to navigate yourself through the system, especially when you are not well. This needs to change.

My husband is alot less hairy these days after participating in the Shave for the Brave! He raised over $700 for YACC! We want to send a huge thank you out to everyone for their support! A special thank you to Korner Kuts! This will make a difference in someone's life.

We have been busy getting things ready for the screening here in Stonewall on April 11th of "Wrong Way to Hope". Looking forward to an inspiring evening full of hope! Tickets are available at www.WrongWaytoHope.com and will also be available at the door by donation. These screenings are being held all across Canada and you can check out the Wrong Way to Hope website for all the locations and dates. One will also be held in Winnipeg on April 12 at Cancer Care. It really is an amazing movie and since most of us have been touched by cancer in one way or another really is a movie everyone must see.

Like all of you, I struggle sometimes to find balance in my life. Cancer has really taken over a huge part of my life so therefore the life of my family. I sometimes have to force it from my mind and concentrate on other things which can be hard. I had a really great day last week with Tyler (my oldest). We went to see Red Riding Hood and then Dairy Queen for a treat. Great movie!! Gavin and I went to check out the Titanic exhibit in Winnipeg. It was awesome and very fitting since he has been infactuated with the Titanic since he was really little. Kaden's day is coming up and he's chosen to go play glow in the dark mini golf. Having one on one time with each of the boys has been so special for me and for them. It really connects us in a way that is hard to do during the rushes of everyday life. They are changing and growing up so quickly!! Jeff & I are also making plans for an evening out together soon.

I guess in a way I'm trying to make up for lost time. I havn't had the energy to be the wife and mother that my boys deserve. Hopefully, when this treatment comes to an end my body and spirit will bounce back so that I can give everyone what the need again. One thing that has never faltered is how much I love them - all 4 of them!!

Sarah McLachlan - World on Fire

2011-03-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

Music is healing

2011-03-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!!

It's been another month full of ups and downs. We are in the final stretches of my treatment and can't wait to reach the finish line. I've been focused on living a good life and enjoying it even with all of the side effects I am experiencing. I've turned into somewhat of a concert junkie over the past several weeks. It's the only thing that pushes the numbness out and allows me to feel.... something. I was able to go see Hey Rosetta at the Pyramid. What a great night and a great band! It was lots of fun and they are my new favorite band. A few weeks later, I got the chance to see the Weaker Thans at the West End Cultural centre. Had a great time! The West End Cultural centre is a really great place to check out live music. Then, for the big finale.... Sarah McLachlan at the MTS centre!! She's is absolutely amazing and has the voice of an angel. She put on a really great show and I left there feeling.... ALOT. Not only can she sing but she is doing her part to make the world a better place to live. It really puts things in perspective seeing what is happening in the world right now. Makes me even more grateful to have my family and friends close by and safe.

The boys have been winding down after a busy season of hockey and basketball. Gavin has decided to play hockey in the spring league so that will start up again next month. Tyler and Kaden are taking a break from sports for the spring/summer and I imagine will be practising their skills on the Playstation. We are all really looking forward to the warm weather and then a fun-filled summer!

You've heard me talk about an organization that I have gotten involved with called Young Adult Cancer Canada. I have had the opportunity to go to a retreat and a conference put on and funded by them and they were both life-changing. I really believe that every young adult should have the same opportunity whether it's attending an event like I did or just being able to be connected through their website. Being diagnosed with cancer as a young adult can be very isolating, confusing, scary and stressful. Being connected to a community like YACC can be very healing. This is why Jeff is doing the Shave for the Brave on Monday, March 21 to help raise funds to help get more young adults get through this and be able to start the healing process. You can go to shaveforthebrave.ca for more info and to make a pledge or register to do your own shave for the brave.

Wrong Way to Hope comes to Stonewall!! You know when you watch a really great movie and you want all your friends and family to see it. This is how I feel about this movie. I can't wait to share it with you all and will get the chance to do this on Monday, April, 11 right here in Stonewall. We are holding a special screening of this movie at the Lions Manor @ 7pm with special guests Mike and Bonnie Lang (the producer of this film). Tickets are $10 all with proceeds going towards helping young adults with cancer. To find out more you can go to wrongwaytohope.com. This film tour is making its way across Canada stopping in many cities along the way. We are very fortunate to get this opportunity and can't wait to see them again! Mike and Bonnie are doing amazing work in the world of cancer support and are opening their own retreat centre in Calgary very soon called Peacefield Retreat Centre. Very exciting!!

So this has been what we have been up to this month. I have had a nice break from scans and tests lately enjoying my time off. I have planned to spend a special day with each of my boys in the next couple of weeks. We don't get a whole lot of 1 on 1 time together these days so I am making a point of it and look forward to really connecting with each of the boys. I am a very lucky mom! I am not exactly sure what life will look like after cancer or if there is such a thing but I will keep striving for a good life - for myself, my husband, my beautiful boys, my family, my friends and see where life takes us next.

Be well!

I'm back!

2011-02-16T16:51:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone!

I know it's been awhile but I really havn't felt much like writing lately. I've been stuck in this funk and trying to lift myself out of it. I went in to see my doctor today and like I had already guessed these are all symptoms from the Interferon; fatigue, no energy, headaches.... This is probably going to be the hardest time for me on this treatment. We are getting down to the last three months and my body is wearing down. We have also been battling the flu nonstop at our house, passing it from one person to the next and then starting over again around and around. This obviously doesn't help matters. It's been hard looking after the kids when they are sick when I'm not feeling good myself. But we made it through and now everyone seems back on track and feeling better. Part of this yucky feeling is probably due to the fact that I am tired of this cancer crap. It really feels as though it has been neverending tests and scans and lots of waiting in between.

I found out last week that the thyroid nodule that I had biopsied is benign (not cancerous) and is called a colloid nodule. Apparently it is very common in women and they will be monitoring this every 6 months to make sure that there are no changes. If these nodules continue to grow and start causing problems he will want to go in and remove them but for now I can focus on getting the Interferon done and not worry it. I realized that my doctor is amazing. I never have to wait too long for results and they are very aware of how hard it is for the patient to wait. My thyroid doctor doesn't understand that. After waiting for over three weeks for my biopsy results, the nurse promised me a phone call on the Thursday and guess what? After waiting by the phone all day and getting myself convinced that something really bad was happening, the nurse phoned me back after I left several messages on his voicemail and finally let my know that it was fine - benign. Why do they do that? Why say ,"Oh, the doctor is going to want to talk to you himself about this." And then leave you hanging for five days. It takes less than 5 minutes to call and let me know. Anyway, very happy that my regular Oncologist is much more understanding and is on top of things. And even happier that the results were good.

I also went in for a brain MRI yesterday and when I went in to see my doctor this morning he shocked me by handing me my results. Wow! That was quick! Everything looks good. No changes and everything looks stable. I really should feel overjoyed but instead I almost broke down crying in the lab waiting room. Not sure if this was out of relief or what but I choked it back and did what I needed to get done. Sometimes the feelings I experience I can't even explain.

I had a great chat with my Oncologist and if everything keeps going well I will be able to return to work in the fall. He says that I am doing really well so far and so I need to carry on and continue living my life. We discussed all the new treatments now available for melanoma and he said that since we met a year ago even there has been alot more drugs come out. Granted these are experimental but he is very pumped that these are available and so am I. Hopefully I won't have a reoccurence and so I won't need them but it's good to know that they are there.

So for the next few weeks I am going to forcus on being well. I plan on going for lots of walks, eating healthy, and meditating regularly. I am going to finally use the gift card for the Spa that I received for Christmas and I'm even going to get my hair done next week. This should re-energize me and make me feel better. We are still planning a screening for the Wrong Way to Hope movie in April so stay tuned for more info on that. This should keep me busy and keep my mind off of things for at least some of the time.

Meanwhile, I hope everyone is feeling happy and healthy!

Don't forget to take care of YOU!!

The Best News!!

2011-01-18T06:32:00.000-08:00

It's Tuesday and usually my worst day on treatment and I feel fabulous!! I am so excited to write this blog this morning to let you all know that I had my thyroid biopsy yesterday and it went amazingly well! I was very nervous both about the procedure itself and the results. But seeing other people going in to the room and coming out with a bandaid on their neck and a smile on their face was very reasuring. My sister came with me and was actually allowed into the room with me during the procedure. The doctor doing it was great! She answered all of our questions and was very forthcoming with any information that we needed. She started with an ultrasound to check things out. There was more discussion and then we went ahead with the biopsy. Now, I am not going to lie and say this was a piece of cake. It really was painful. They did freeze the area first but you can imagine how tender the area of your neck is and what it feels like to have a needle in it. Ouch! I could feel myself sort of breathing slow and felt like I sort of went into myself. (if that makes any sense) I have learned that pain like this doesn't last forever and knowing this I can get through it. Once it was frozen the biopsies were a breeze.

This is what we found out from the biopsy. It is definitely not melanoma! Huge relief! I know the chances were very slim that it would have been but sometimes I find myself in the small majority of people and so know that this is possible. It is very doubtful that this is cancer of any kind since it shows no charecteristics of this. Obviously, we have to wait for the pathology report to come back to be certain but it looks like just a benign nodule! I can't even tell you how relieved this makes us! The thought of dealing with another type of cancer right now was very overwhelming and unimaginable. Now, like a friend of mine said yesterday, we can focus on kicking some melanoma ass!

Some more exciting news - I was interviewed by Girltalk with Marlo the other day and this show will air online Jan. 19th @ 8:30pm CT. Hopefully this will bring some awareness to Melanoma and young adults dealing with cancer. Marlo is starting a show with the topics focused on woman's issues. Definitely worth checking out! You can stream the interview live @ http://girltalkwithmarlo.com.

I can't thank you enough for all the prayers, good thoughts, positive energy... sent the last couple of days. It has been a rough couple of weeks with alot of ups and downs but knowing that I have so much love and support has gotten me through this. Thank you!

1 down and 1 to go!

2011-01-14T05:52:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update to share my results of the scan. Last week I went in for a chest, abdomen and pelvic scan to see how things are looking, especially in the lungs. Everything looks good. No signs of disease! No cancer! Wow! What a relief. I was pretty nervous about getting these results back because they were checking things so closely. Now I can focus on getting this biopsy of my thyroid done. I got the report back from the thyroid ultrasound and this shows about 6 nodules (lumps). They are ranging in size from 6-30 mm. Hard to believe these are all in my neck and I'm not having any symptoms. Just shows me once again how amazing our bodies are. We are really hoping that these are all benign (not cancer) and can be removed easily if necessary. We should get these results in the next couple of weeks.

Being on the Interferon has been giving me some trouble these days. I was having alot of nausea and some vomiting so am now on a drug to hopefully prevent this. So far it is working really well and I am feeling much better. The only downside is that this drug causes other side effects which I am dealing with. My skin has been very irritated and itching like crazy. (I actually scratched a mole off my back because of it) Oops! Apparently, this is because of the Interferon and hopefully we can get it under control. My face is all blotchy and so I've been trying all kinds of creams and lotions with no luck. My sister brought me over a new one last night so hopefully this one is it! Over half way done now!!!

Meanwhile, hocky....hockey....and more hockey. Sounds like we'll be at the rink pretty much all weekend. It will be good to get my mind off of things and watch the kids play. It is so worth it to push myself out of the house to watch a few games. Makes me feel somewhat normal. Go Stonewall Go!!!!

Happy New Year!!!

2011-01-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you all!

I hope everyone truly enjoyed the holidays and spending time with your loved ones. We had a very nice Christmas and yes I did find my Christmas Spirit in time. Part of this Christmas spirit comes with spending time with the ones we love. I realized over Christmas that this is what makes Christmas so special. We get to see our family and friends who we only spend time with on very special occasions. The kids were so excited and overjoyed Christmas morning. Everything was just what they always wanted - it didn't matter what it was!

A new year - a fresh start! I feel in ways like this new year marks a new beginning of this journey. We can scrap everything that we didn't like about last year and make new wishes for this one. The thought of this has re-energized me and I have done alot of thinking about how I want to handle what's coming up in this next year. Oh and by the way for the first time since I can remember this does not involve weight loss. My New Years resolution for years has always involved my weight. If I just lost those 10 or 15 pounds life would be everything that I always dreamed it would be - perfect. Why do we do this to ourselves? This past year has finally made me see that this idea is BS and so there is no weight loss resolution for me this year. I just want to be healthy and happy. Not too much to ask right?

The biggest thing I would love to happen this year is some sort of acceptance of things as they are. It is starting to sink in that this is now my life. Cancer will now forever be a part of it. I wish that I could say that once I'm finished the Interferon life can go back to normal but this is not realistic. I am forever changed. My life is now forever changed. They will always be looking, scanning, checking. I will always be waiting.... I will always believe that every result will be a good one but try to be ready in case it isn't. I've now come to the understanding that it is impossible to prepare yourself to hear that you have cancer....again. It never gets any easier, in fact, I think it just gets harder each time. When I reflect over this past year I see the healing that has already taken place in my life. Not just the physical healing (though that has been amazing to watch) but emotionally too. I can only hope that this continues through this next year.

So for now of course life is full of waiting. I have a scan scheduled for tomorrow (chest, abdomen and pelvis). I have my biopsy of the thyroid coming up on the 17th and we'll worry about the rest later. One step at a time... I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow (I know weird hey?) Jeff and I will have many hours to just be together while we wait for the dye to do its job and show that there are no tumours and I am disease free. This is how I am able to get through all these tests and scans is enjoying this time that I get with my family. I am so fortunate to never be alone and to have all the support. I NEVER take this for granted.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

I hope that everyone is ready for Christmas and can now kick back, put your feet up and enjoy the holidays! It sounds like it from some of your statuses on facebook. Then there are those of us who wait until these last few days to finish shopping, baking and wrapping. I will be making my way into the city tonight to finish up. It has been a very busy couple of days. I got a call on Friday from the ultrasound department to come in for the ultrasound on my thyroid that I have been waiting for. They got me in on Monday night which also happened to be the night that my Melanoma Support Group were getting together for our Christmas potluck. So after a quick stop at the hospital for this we headed to the party. The scan went very well and of course it was nice having both my sisters and my mom there. The ultrasound tech was very nice but I couldn't get anything out of her. And believe me I tried! For some reason I left feeling reassured even though she didn't really say anything.

It was so nice to see everyone at the Melanoma Group. We had a really nice visit and some homemade treats. Loved the apple crisp!! These people have really become good friends to us and very supportive. It was an awesome night! Next we were on our way to Chapters to do some last minute shopping. The line ups were crazy but we went through surpisingly quickly.

The next morning (yesterday) I got a call from the ultrasound department. They had reviewed my scans already and have scheduled me in for a biopsy in the new year. Actually on Jan. 17th I will be having this done. It honestly put me in a bit of a panic wondering if they saw something suspicious. After a couple of phone calls to both of my nurses I really didn't have much more information but felt better about things. There is some confusion as to what exactly they are biopsying. The "goiter"? A nodule by the "goiter"? I will be getting all of my questions answered before we go ahead with things. So really what it boils down to is that nothing has changed. I have something on my thyroid that they are not sure about so we need to find out what it is. I am very happy that things are moving as quickly as they are since initially I was told that it could be up to a six month wait for this biopsy. There are only two doctors in Manitoba that do this type of procedure. When I spoke to my nurse he made it very clear that they do NOT think that this is melanoma. So for now, there is nothing to do but wait. But I'm not very good at waiting so we carry on and have a fabulous Christmas!

I was reminded yesterday of a time in Benito at Christmas when the boys and I heard some bells ringing outside. As we looked out the front window we saw a horse drawn sleigh full of carolers (staff from the school) pull up. Out they all piled and sang for us. After the fantastic performance they all piled back in the sleigh and off they went down our street. Now that does not happen everyday! It was beautiful and I will never forget it!

I hope everyone enjoys their Christmas and takes time to feel the joy around us. I will be thanking God for another precious Christmas with my loved ones.

Merry Christmas!!!

Holiday Spirit!

2010-12-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

I hope that everyone is getting into the holiday spirit! I find myself really trying this year to feel the joy of the holidays. For some reason it is not coming easily for me this year. On Monday I took the two younger boys to see the Air Command Band play at the Legion and they were fantastic! Feeling a little more in the mood after that. Last year during the holidays I was feeling so much. Grateful for life, family, friends, love. I really felt like something magical was happening around me. This year I am struggling with this. Is it because of the drug I am on? Is it that the shock of my diagnosis over the past year has been finally sinking in? I did get the results of my brain MRI last week which were great! No changes on my scan which is what we always hope for. This is fabulous news right? I should feel relief, happy.... I think I would feel all of these things if on the very same day as I was receiving this great news over the phone I wasn't literally waiting in another specialists office. As I hung up my phone with the Gamma Knife nurse, the oncologist specializing in head and neck cancers came in to see me. I was there for a follow up appointment for the goiter that I have on my thryoid. Apparently, there is a nodule on my thyroid apart from the goiter that he wants to biopsy.

What could this nodule be I ask him. Well, it could be melanoma though very unlikely. Melanoma usually does not spread to the thyroid, although it does happen. It could be a benign lesion (meaning no big deal). Let's hope for that! Or it could be another cancer - thyroid cancer. Another totally different type of cancer which is treated with surgery and radiation. He reassures me that even if it is a primary thryoid cancer it is very treatable. No worries - nothing to lose sleep over. He tells me I have enough going on right now and we'll do the biopsy to find out what this is but my focus right now should be on finishing the Interferon. Really? You are telling me that I may have another type of cancer and may need a whole other treatment regime but I shouldn't worry about it?

So now we wait.... Again. I keep reminding myself that chances are it is nothing. But being told already 3 times that I have cancer I do know that the possibility is there. I just hope that they get me in for this biopsy soon so I can really relax and make room in my heart for that magical feeling of Christmas.

I hope that one day it will happen when I can get wonderful news and just leave it at that. No buts, no ands, no maybes... For now I will focus on all the wonderful things happening in my life starting with having no evidence of disease. My three boys who are waiting in excited anticipation for Santa to come to our house. My husband who is riding this crazy rollar coaster ride with me and holding my hand the whole time. My family who no matter how difficult things get are always there and are full of love and hope. My friends, new and old who are always there to make me smile and take my mind off of all things cancer related. I really could go on and on.... This is making me feel better already! Why live in a world of what-if's? If I do that then I miss out on all the wonderful things that are acually happening in my world at that very moment. May we all find that peace and joy that the holidays can bring us.

Thank you to YACC for an amazing conference!

2010-11-21T17:04:00.000-08:00

What an amazing time we had at the conference! This was a trip of a lifetime for Jeff and I. I fell in love with the ocean and all of the people in Newfoundland. I loved the fact that they all address eachother with enduring names like love, dear, hon..... Very sweet people. We spent our first day out and about walking around town seeing some sights. The views were fantastic - not at all the surroundings that we are used to. When we got back to the hotel mostly everyone had arrived so we visited and mingled with everyone. It was so nice to get together with those there from the past retreats we had been to and of course we met a whole bunch more amazing people! The facilitators and organizers were awesome and made this experience the best conference ever! It's hard to describe everything that I got out of this weekend but I'll try anyway.

We learned alot about health, nutrition, and fitness from the speakers. Dr. Rob got us all meditating and learning how to deal with our stressors. He talked about whole body and mind healing. He shared with us a very inspirational portion of the book he wrote about Jeff(the amazing guy who started YACC)'s cancer journey. I was almost brought to tears by this. What a story!! Another speaker who I learned a lot from was Chef Jay. He had us eating healthy and blending up a storm. I got a kick out of how addicted to his blender he was. Then when I got home the blender I had ordered was waiting for me. Now I am a blenderholic!! lol It was perfect timing! We learned a lot about using food as medicine. Eat your veggies people!!! Bonnie was our fitness coach and got us all up and moving. I didn't participate too much with the fitness stuff because honestly I just didn't have the energy. Bonnie and I had a great chat though and she inspired me to just do what I can so I will be getting my butt out that door and at least getting a walk in every other day. The walk up Signal Hill showed me how out of shape I am - my chest was burning and I was so out of breathe. We also had a great group chat about sharing our story with others. Mikey explained how important our stories are and that we should be proud of them. Wow! I have always had no problem sharing my story through my blog but have a harder time face to face. I was very touched by all of the stories shared with me over these few days and am amazed again by all of the bravery, courage, love and hope in one room.

The walk up Signal Hill was absolutely beautiful! For some of us reaching the top was a huge accomplishment. It takes alot of strength and determination to push yourself up that hill, especially those who are not well. Wow! I'm getting emotional just thinking about it. We did it!! At the top of the hill we got to take in the gorgeous scenery and then we participated in a small ceremony to say goodbye to our fellow cancer warriors. We each took a handful of sand from a jar, said our goodbyes and watched the sand fly through the air. It was a very peaceful, emotional experience. YACC has had a very tough year full of loss so this was a very important part of the weekend. I dedicated my climb to my cousin Christine who we lost to cancer last year. She showed me how to never lose hope, not to take anything for granted, and she fought the whole time with a beautiful smile on her face. I think of you everyday, Christine.

After this we all needed a beer so off to the pub we went. Some of us got screeched in as honerary Newfoundlanders. That was so much fun to watch. Lots of laughs and I tried some really good beer. Of course just a few sips for me! We went back to the hotel for supper and to watch the best movie that I have ever seen - Wrong Way to Hope. I had seen the movie at the Retreat in Vancouver and when I watched it again it was like seeing it for the first time. Of course I can really relate to the survivors in the movie and found myself many times thinking -Wow, me too! It is a great balance of real emotion and humour. Whether you have cancer or not it is a very inspirational movie. I actually loved it so much that I will be holding a night here in Stonewall where I will be showing it. More details on that to follow!

That brings us to the night before it was time to get back on that plane and fly home. Just when I thought the weekend couldn't get any better we had a great dinner at a pizzaria. After a yummy dinner we headed across to a small theatre to watch a show called Cancer Can't Dance Like This. Dan is one of the most hilarious guys I have ever met. He actually is a cancer survivor and his show is all based on his experiences. I havn't laughed that hard for a very long time! Cancer makes us Gangsta!!!

Well, that is only a bit about our trip - believe it or not. I am very thankful that I was able to experience this and meet so many amazing people! Sharing it with Jeff and my sister was awesome! My heartfelt thank you goes to Karine for being you and all the staff at YACC, Jeff Eaton for using his experience to connect other young adults all over Canada, and all the facilitators for caring enough to get involved. Mikey and Bonnie - you really do Huck it Huge!!! I come away from this conference re-energized, full of hope and heart.

It was really nice to get back to the boys. Jeff and I missed them so much. And they actually missed us too. They were so happy to have us home even though they had a good time with Grandma and Grandpa. We are so very fortunate to have mom and dad so close by and willing to flip their lives upside down for us. Love you guys!

This week I really feel blessed when I look around me. Even though my life is not what I thought it would be right now I wouldn't change a thing. I have learned so many lessons in the past year which have made my life better. One of them being "Dreamings not Enough" - Kaleena Hudon Don't just dream about it, do it!

Happy Halloween!!

2010-10-29T11:47:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween Everyone!

This is a very exciting time around our house! My boys love halloween and getting all dressed up to go trick-or-treating. Plus on top of that it was Kaden's birthday on Wednesday so he is very excited to be turning 6. We are celebrating this year by having his very first "friends party". Usually we celebrate with just the family but this year Kaden wanted to have his friends to his party. So today after school we will be taking 10 little boys to play laser tag. I am looking forward to seeing them all dressed up in their costumes running around playing. Kaden dressed up this year as Ron Weasley (the little red head from Harry Potter). We figured it really wasn't much of a stretch, he looks so much like him. Should be a fun night! Of course, Tyler and Gavin found the scariest costumes they could and they even give me the creeps all dressed up.

I had a really good appointment with my doctor on Wednesday. I found out that all of the tests and scans I've had done in the last month all came back clear. Right now I have no evidence of disease and am cancer-free. This is a really good feeling. It has almost been 1 year since my brain surgery and I'm feeling very grateful to be here. My doctor was explaining to me that now because of gamma knife surgery people in my shoes are living a lot longer and are surviving this terrible disease. Yayyyyyy Gamma knife!! He has a lot of hope and so this reenergized my hope that I will beat this. I am at the halfway point of the Interferon treatment and because I have had no new disease (the lung tumour was already there before I started this treatment) we can assume that this treatment is working.

I have been having some trouble with my blood counts being very low but hopefully I can hang in there for another six months. I apparently will have to wear a mask during my upcoming flight to St. John's which I'm not too happy about but I guess it's better than picking up an infection during the flight. Whenever I see someone wearing a mask at the hospital I automatically assume that it is for everyone else's protection. Meanwhile, it's usually for the protection of the person wearing it. Hopefully I don't get too many strange looks. I thought of maybe getting my glue gun out and attaching some pretty jewels to it - a little bit of bling. We'll see about that! Nothing like being able to blend in with everyone else and feel normal. lol

I am really looking forward to reconnecting with the YACC community. I am excited to get more involved with this when I get back and start getting some energy back. It still amazes me how many young adults are being diagnosed with cancer. This has turned into an epidemic and we need to do something about it - Live healthy!! If you know a young adult with cancer pass along this website www.youngadultcancer.ca. It is a very supportive, caring community that gets it!!

Have a very fun, safe halloween everyone!!!

Thankful

2010-10-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

Well, after a tough couple of weeks I am now on my way back to my new normal self. Of course, starting up the Interferon again I was expecting to be feeling unwell but this time was especially nasty. By the end of the week though I was jumping in the car and driving to the States with my mom and sisters. We had a great weekend! I was so happy that I was able to go and have some girls time. Of course things have changed and our girls weekend wasn't the same shopping extravaganza experience it normally is but it was still lots of fun. I was very nervous about bringing my medication with me and doing my injection at the hotel but it turned out OK. Sounds like the boys had fun hanging out with Dad for the weekend too.

While I was away I wasn't feeling the greatest and by the end of the weekend I knew someting was going on. I went to the Dr and sure enough I had a throat infection. After a couple of days on the antibiotics I was feeling much better. Then ended up with the flu for a few days meanwhile doing my prep for a colonoscopy that was scheduled for me. Now if you have ever had to go for a colonoscopy you know how unpleasant the prep for it is. By the time I was there for the procedure itself I had dropped 10 pounds and was feeling pretty crappy. One word of advice I can pass on is take all the drugs they offer you. So I was a little dopey after and I slept for a while afterwards. At least I don't really remember anything!! I was so glad to have that overwith and I found out right away that it was normal. Phew!! One more normal test under my belt. I have one more scan scheduled for next week and then hopefully after that I get a bit of a break. Part of the reason for all these tests is that the anti-nauseant medication I was on was causing some strange side effects for me that they had never seen before. So to be sure that it's not the cancer causing problems for me I end up having to have all these tests done. Better safe than sorry....

Oh, I almost forgot to share the most exciting thing happening in our house. Kaden lost his first tooth!! He was so excited about this and after wiggling his tooth for a couple of hours (and when he got tired of doing it he was getting one of us to do it) it finally fell out. There was much discussion about why hobos don't just knock their own teeth out to get money from the tooth fairy so that they don't have to live on the street. lol Anyway, it was very exciting and yesterday Kaden was overjoyed when he came home from school with a special certificate from his teacher for loosing a tooth.

These days I am trying really hard to focus on the good that is going on around me. I am thinking alot about what I have to be thankful for. (which is alot) We spent the day on Monday out at the Corn Maze and I loved watching the kids running and laughing having a blast. I cherish every laugh that comes out of their mouths and I am very thankful that I am here to hear it!

Trust

2010-09-23T07:57:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling great the past couple of days! I definitely see now that I did need a break off of the Interferon. Trying to push through to just get finished is not the answer. My body screams for a break sometimes and now I am going to start listening. I have to say that my health care team sure knows my body alot better than I do. They know when I've had enough and need some time to recover. I went in to see them yesterday and got the go-ahead to start up the Interferon again on Monday. My Oncologist called in the Dermatologist (skin specialist) to come and take a look at my "shingles". Guess what?? It's not shingles after all. What a relief to find out that this rash is not the nasty thing they thought it was - shingles which they tell me can be life-threatening to people taking chemo or drugs like Interferon. It turns out that having this rash could most likely be caused by the Interferon. Slather some cream on there and it should be gone right?...... I will be patiently waiting to see if we've found the right diagnosis and treatment. I'm just thinking wow - I can't beleive I'm blogging about a rash. Would I have been sharing something like this a year ago? Absolutely NOT! How life can change.....

The next couple of weeks I'm hoping will be quiet ones. I'm going to really enjoy this weekend and relish having the energy and spirit that I feel now. I will start the Interferon on Monday so am planning to lay low the next week or so. Although, us girls have planned a trip over the border for next weekend so I really hope to be feeling good enough to go. Normally this would be a trip full of shopping, eating, more shopping, more eating. This will be a bit of a different trip for me probably involving sleeping, reading, more sleeping, more reading. I'll take what I can get and enjoy a change of scenery!

We ran (walked) in the Terry Fox run at Assiniboine park last weekend. It was an absolutely beautiful day! We had a great time and had a chance to visit with my family which was so nice. There was a huge crowd this year and I'm sure a lot of money was raised for this great cause. The Terry Fox run celebrates it's 30th anniversary this year. Wow! One man can make a difference.

I am getting really excited about going to St. John's for the Young Adult Cancer Canada (YACC)conference! Jeff and I havn't travelled at all together (out of Manitoba) so it will be our first real trip together. I am looking forward to catching up with those who I met at the retreat in April and also meeting everyone new to YACC. I feel so fortunate to be able to attend and because of all the Airmiles I've been collecting it's not going to cost us anything. Jeff and I are excited about seeing Newfoundland for the first time. My sister, Christine is also coming to the conference as a facilitator. They liked her ideas and perspective so much at the retreat that they invited her to facilitate at the conference. It will be a great time!

Until next time......

Peace

2010-08-30T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well, good news last week. My scans both came back normal. What a relief! I am now waiting for an ultrasound just to cover all of our bases but am not expecting anything abnormal to show up on that. It's been another ride on the cancer rollar coaster. Waiting and wondering what if.... This week a friend from the retreat I went to passed away at the age of 25 from cancer. She was such a strong, beautiful girl and she inspired all of us to fight. She had these words posted on her facebook page:

Cancer - I intend to beat you, overcome you and defeat you. You are my battle, my blood, my weakness. I will live each day knowing that I am stronger than you. I will fight you. I will live. By Ann-Marie 1985-2010

We will miss you Ann-Marie.

So the past couple of weeks have had their ups and downs. I ended up with shingles which doesn't seem to want to go away. My doctor says that it's from being on the Interferon. It has brought my immune system down so much that this virus (chicken pox) that I had as a child has been reactivated. So now I'm left with shingles. We decided yesterday to put a hold on the Interferon for a while and give my body a chance to heal. I was a little disappointed but after being so sick after my injection Monday night I was ready to do whatever they wanted. So my goal now is to build back up my immune system by getting lots of rest, exercise and healthy eating. Hopefully I won't be off for too long as it seems to be worse everytime I have to stop and restart treatment.

I did enjoy a restful week where I was pampered by my mother-in-law and grandmother-in-law. They came for a visit and to help me around the house. They sure got alot done. The house looks great and they couldn't have picked a better week since I wasn't feeling great. Thanks you guys!

Well, now it's time to get the kids ready for back to school next week. It's going to be different around our house since all of them will be in school full days this year. They are all looking forward to it in their own ways. And so am I!

Fight

2010-08-13T08:07:00.000-07:00

Is it the rain that's making me feel so yucky or is it that all the fun I was having was too much and is catching up to me. I blame it on the weather! I went in for my routine appointment on Wednesday and was sort of taken by surprise at what happened. I have been having some strange sympoms the last month or so and casually mentioned this to my doctor. I won't go into the gorry details but it's something that I really thought was no big deal. I guess when you have cancer there's nothing that isn't a big deal. He was very concerned and is sending me for another battery of tests and scans. Quite frankly - I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. Can I give cancer back for a refund and get my money (or more literally my life) back?

I had my blood work done where he was testing a few specific levels along with my regular tests. They show that I am neutropenic which also happened to me during my high dose portion of treatment and leaves me very vulnerable to infections. A reminder that I need to slow down and take better care of myself. Rest more, eat better and excercise. They don't have to stop my treatment yet but it was very close. Hopefully this number will climb in the next few weeks. Good news - I'm not pregnant! I laughed when he asked me if this was a possibility. Could you imagine! That would just be the icing on the cake. No, that would not be good! All of my other blood work came back normal as well.

So now, the plan is I will go for a chest CT on Monday. Yes - Monday. My doctor does not mess around. And even though I just had a brain MRI he has ordered another one to be done ASAP. He wants to focus in more on certain areas of my brain. So this leaves me feeling now worried, scared, not wanting these crazy scans anymore, wondering why I didn't just keep my mouth shut. On the other hand I am very grateful that my medical team is there behind me fighting for me when I am too tired or don't realize that I need to be fighting. It scares me that they expect the cancer to come back. They are just waiting and watching for it. I want to believe that I am different. It's not going to come back with me. I'm going to be healthy one day and not have to worry about this monster coming back into my life again. I have heard those three frightening, life changing words three times already - You have cancer. I don't want to hear them again.

I was really looking forward to a break. I believe a well deserved break. Guess I just have to wait a little bit longer than I thought. On a more positive note I have been thinking about registering for a conference for young adults in St. John's and after the past couple of days decided to go for it. Life is too short! We don't know what the future holds for us so we had better make the most of the time we have. We will be flying to St. John's for 4 days where I will meet up with some past friends and some new friends who also find themselves fighting this fight! They have planned an amazing conference and I am very excited to check it out! Give me something to look forward to and hopefully keep my mind off of worrying about this. Will keep you updated when my results come back.

Fun!!

2010-08-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

I think this summer so far has been the best ever! I'm not sure if it's just that I appreciate things more or if I'm really having more fun. Either way I'm loving it! Bon Jovi was awesome! What a great night! I forgot about the cancer and just had fun. It's amazingly difficult to do this most of the time but I'm finding that the more fun I'm having the easier it is to forget for the moment anyway. It helped having my best friend with me - just like old times!!!

We had Jeff's family out for the weekend last week and that was lots of fun. Jeff has two little nephews who are absolutely adorable so it was fun watching them in the pool having a blast! We swam most of the weekend since it was so beautiful out and had family and friends over for supper. It was so great getting to see everyone and catching up with what's going on.

I had a friend of mine out with her kids for lunch and a swim and we had a great time. We hadn't seen each other for many years so it was really nice. Love having those friends that we can get together and it seems no different then years before. You can pick up where you left off. We won't wait so long next time!!

We went to Kenora for the weekend this past week and what a great time we had!! When I was younger we used to go out to Kenora to my Aunt and Uncle's cabin. I havn't been back there for many, many years so I jumped at the opportunity when it came up!! I have so many really great memories in Kenora with my sisters and my cousins. We had a fun filled weekend and the kids didn't want to come back home. We went fishing, hiking, tubing, had our own fireworks show, watched my cousin launch his rockets and had fun seeing the kids chase them everywhere.... I could go on and on! It was a really awesome weekend and everyone had lots and lots of fun!!!! We are already talking about going out again this summer!! Thanks to the Lindsays for making it such a special weekend.

I am feeling great these days!! Making sure I'm getting lots of rest in between all the fun! I'm more used to the fatigue from the Interferon and am coping better with it. It's just there's so much that I want to do this summer!!! I got a phone call from the Gamma knife nurse yesterday letting me know that my brain scan came back and it looks good. No changes which is really great news!!! I had actually already gotten my scan back from my oncologist last week but getting the all clear from the Neurosurgeon is awesome!! One of my friends sent me a woman's story from You Tube which was very encouraging. This woman also had brain and lung metastasis (just like me) and took some similar treatments as me and five years later she is doing great! Hearing these stories brings me hope and strength to do whatever it is that I need to do to get healthy!!

Happiness

2010-07-16T07:40:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone!!

Well, as you have probably read on my facebook status I am getting ready for the Bon Jovi concert tomorrow night. I am super excited about having a great night out with friends. I initially thought that I would be too sick to do something like go to a concert so I turned down the offer. I believed the doctors when they told me I would be extremely ill and unable to carry on with my normal life. For a few moments anyway, and then I said "Screw that!" It has been a stroke of luck that I have been feeling well enough to still do things and enjoy my life. We went out to Bird's Hill last week with the family to celebrate my mom's birthday. Happy birthday Mom! We had an amazing day at the beach and I actually caught a nap (in the shade of course). The kids had a great time swimming with their cousins and we spent the night with my sister there. After another great day at the beach the following day we packed up and headed back home. What an amazing couple of days!!

Jeff and I had an amazing dinner at Rae and Jerry's for our anniversary. Thank you for all the anniversary wishes! We had an amazing dinner which reminded me of our many family dinners that my parents used to make for us as kids. Dad would make escargot or shrimp cocktail for an appetizer. We'd have steaks, potatoes, veggies and for dessert ice cream smothered with creme de minte (which they also serve at Rae and Jerry's for dessert) Going to that restaurant was like stepping back in time. Very cool! After dinner we went to see Eclipse at Silver City. OK I'll admit that I loved every minute of it but not as much as some of the woman sitting in the audience. You could hear everyone sighing dreamily everytime Jacob appeared on the screen. Jeff thought that this was pretty hilarious. I personally fell for Carlisle. Since when did I start falling for the Dad in the movies and not the star. Yikes I must be getting old! Anyway, Carlisle is very hot and I could probably get over the fact that he is a vampire! More seriously, we had a great date night and will have many more in the future!!

Yesterday was a long day for me spending most of it at the hospital. It went very well though - only good news which I love! I went and saw my thoracic surgeon for a follow up visit - 6 weeks since I had surgery. Seems way longer than that to me. Everything looks great! I have healed up and from the x-ray he said you can hardly tell that I've had surgery. That's good news! I got to catch up with some of the girls I used to work there with and my brother-in-law. Great seeing everyone again! We had some time to kill before my MRI in the afternoon so we went downtown to check out the Fringe. There wasn't too much happening (mostly kids entertainment) so we wandered into a haberdachery. Not sure if I spelled that properly but it's a hat store! You probably already know this about me but I LOVE Hats!! I've written a previous blog about it. We had so much fun trying on almost every hat in the store peeing our pants laughing at the outrageous ones. What a fun afternoon!

OK back to reality - we headed over to the hospital for my MRI. This was my brain MRI which I will be having every three months forever to keep tabs on my brain situation. Things went well and I breathed a huge sigh of relief when the technician said I could leave. I still love hearing those words. This MRI takes about 25 minutes where you lie in the machine and it beeps, bangs, clanks and rings taking pictures of the inside of your brain. A type of dye is injected through your IV part way through the scan. Very cool actually that this technology exists. I will get my results back next week hopefully when I see my oncologist. Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that we get good news.

I feel that I am in a much better place compared to a few weeks ago. I have my melanoma support group friends to thank for this. I almost didn't go to the last meeting because I wasn't in a very good place and didn't want to spread my negativity. I went anyway thinking I would just not say anything and I came away from the meeting feeling much better than I had going in. To feel that others understand and are going through the same thing as you is very powerful. Talking to them made me feel that I can carry on with my treatments and that everything I am feeling - so are they. It's really great to have this support.

I know that I've said this before but I feel so very fortunate to have all of you around me cheering for me. When I'm having a bad day I just have to look back through my emails and all of your comments to bring my spirits back up. To feel loved is my cure...
Thank you!

Courage

2010-07-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm into my second week back on the Interferon and am doing pretty good. I was pretty sick last week so am glad that my body is adjusting. The fatigue is starting to set in though and I wake up tired every morning. It will take me some time to get used to this again. I have been mostly hanging out with the boys by the pool the last week or so. The weather has been great and it keeps them entertained so they are not driving me too crazy!! I have to admit that having three boys at home while I'm on chemo is very challenging. I'm just glad that they are all pretty self sufficient. No diapers to change and no bottles to make. I can't imagine if this was happening a few years ago! If only they didn't fight with each other! Boys....!

Jeff and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary tomorrow! Wow! I can't believe 10 years has gone by! We have been through a lot together and each hurdle has brought us closer together. This latest challenge - dealing with my cancer diagnosis - has shown us that we can make it through anything together. I know how difficult this has been for Jeff, always wanting to make this right and having no power to. It has been a crazy couple of years for us so we will definitely be celebrating this occasion!!

I was thinking the other day about my friends that I recently met at the retreat. I think about them all the time but as I pictured the circle of people that quickly became like family to me I was thinking about how much courage it takes to be a cancer survivor. What would you trade to live? I'm sure that if you put together all of the pieces of ourselves that we have had to give up because of this disease we could make an entire human being. Many still suffer the effects of chemotherapy or radiation treatments. The scars..... When you are faced with losing your life I think you would trade anything for more time on this earth. The courage and bravery of these survivors amazes me! What would you be willing to trade for your life?

Strength

2010-06-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

I'm finding it hard to decide how to write this entry. Do I write it honestly or pretend that I'm feeling amazing. What does it mean to have strength? Does it mean that you push out all of the bad feelings and only feel the good ones? Do I pretend that everything is wonderful and I couldn't be happier? I want to be a strong person and give others strength but I'm struggling with this. Am I only showing the positives of having cancer? You can look at it anyway you want but cancer sucks!! There may be some wonderful things that come out of having cancer - a real love of life, true compassion for others and for yourself, getting out of things you may not want to do (Sorry, I can't make it. I have cancer.), getting off the phone with a telephone solicitor quickly (Sorry I can't support your cause or buy what you're selling. I have cancer.), getting ahead in the line at the grocery store (Sorry, can I just go ahead of you. I have cancer.) OK I've never actually used any of these but I have thought about! I focus on the here and now. I have my life. I have wonderful, caring family and friends around me. Most people I have met going through this focus their energy on these things. But if I were being truly honest I would say that it sucks. Being faced with your own mortality is a very scary thing. Because I am afraid, does this mean that I am not a strong person?

You are probably wondering where all this is coming from. We found out yesterday that the tumour I had removed from my lung is cancer - melanoma. It looks like they got it all which is a relief but what does this mean? I am back to square one - Stage IV melanoma with metastasis to the brain and lung (no evidence of disease) Scary stuff! What am I going to do about this? I'm going to go back on the treatment I was on before surgery (Interferon) and turn my body into a cancer fighting machine by eating healthy and boosting up my immune system. I am going to take better care of myself. I am going to enjoy every minute with Jeff and the boys. I am going to take more chances and do the things that I've always been too afraid to do. I'm not going to take this gift called life for granted.....

Beauty...

2010-06-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful day it is today! I absolutely love days like this. The sky is so blue, the sun is shining (that's why I slathered on the sunscreen) and the birds are singing. I spent this morning outside reading and then went for a little walk around the block. (I am reading Crazy, Sexy cancer tips by Kriss Carr and it's a fabulous book) I am still taking it easy and not pushing myself too much. It's so nice to be able to get out and enjoy the day though. My pain has been really well controlled and I am slowing weaning off the pain meds. This has given me a lot of time to think about what I want and need in my life. Amazing how some quiet time opens up these thoughts. After learning so much about myself at the retreat I really want to dig deeper and keep this peacefullness that I now feel. I am looking into taking a yoga class and diving into the world of meditation. I intend on living every day to its fullest.

My sisters, my mom and I went to an information night last week at Cancer Care for Melanoma patients and their families. It was awesome! Not only did I get to catch up with my fellow melanoma warriors and their cheering squads but we were presented with the new treatments and trials for melanoma. Our medical team was there and we we were able to ask any of them questions and hear everything new that has been happening in the world of melanoma. The most exciting news is that they have come out with a new drug for Stage IV melanoma. There has never been a drug available for patients at this stage. The clinical trials are starting ASAP and are available in Winnipeg. It is such a relief to know that there is something out there that has already been proven to work. What I mean by "work" is it is giving us more time and maybe enough time to find a cure!? Now, yes I am stage IV but I have no evidence of disease right now so I'm not sure if this is an option for me but it is so good to know that they are spending lots of time and money researching this cancer. My case has been a little bit different from the beginning. We have thankfully been able to remove any tumour and potential tumours that have shown up. Yayyyyyyy!!! The statistics that are out there are mindblowing! More and more people are being affected by this cancer and at every age. This is why I am so passionate about people protecting themselves from the sun. This disease can be devastating and it can also be preventable (one of the few cancers that can). Everything that we can do to prevent this we should be doing. Genetics and history also play a huge part in who gets this disease but shouldn't we be doing everything we can to protect ourselves and our children.

There was also another huge event going on this same night - my cousin Earl's fundraising event. He is also fighting against cancer and I must say is kicking ass!! (Oh and by the way I have been told that when you have cancer you can use whatever profanities you want when describing it) All the guys in the family went to his night and had a great time and lots of laughs! It was really too bad that they were held on the same night but what can you do. We decided to divide and conquor! Keep fighting Earl! You rock!!!

I am finding that the best way to win this fight is by surrounding myself with positive, true people who want me to win this as much as I do. I am thankful for all of you and I know that I couldn't do it without you.

Love

2010-06-07T08:05:00.000-07:00

Wow! Where do I start? Last time I was on here I was getting ready for the Retreat in Vancouver. Well, I had an absolutely amazing time! I met the most courageous, compassionate, caring people there. There is something about being with a roomful of people who are going through the same thing as you. It somehow made me feel normal for the first time in a very long time. Talking about their experiences and how they deal with them really helped me learn how to deal with mine. It's like we became a family over the 4 days and I will hold each person I met in my heart forever. We had a lot of fun but also worked through some very difficult issues that each of us are faced with. We all shed a lot of tears and laughed until we cried some more and I came home feeling like a whole person again. If you ever have the chance to go on a retreat I encourage you to go for it. It was an awesome experience! Thanks YACC!!!!!! You can check out their website at www.youngadultcancer.ca

In my life, whenever something good happens it's usually followed by something difficult. While I was away Jeff decided to take the kids up to visit his family and see his grandfather who has been very ill. Grandpa passed away peacefully before Jeff could get up to the hospital to see him but he was surrounded with love from all the family. We were unable to make it up for his funeral because I was in surgery the same day but our love and thoughts were with them. We love you Grandapa!

Some more bad news as we arrived home... My sister's (who came with me on the retreat)dog died while we were away. Sanibel has been a part of this family for many, many years and a few months ago we found out that she too had cancer. Christine had this strange feeling that something had happened to her and that was the first thing she asked Jeff at the airport. We will miss Sanibel.

Ok, so now I had the evening to pack and get ready for admission to the hospital. I was admitted the next morning at 8:30 so really didn't have a chance to get worried or anxious about things. It all happened so quickly. I went up to the day surgery area and right after getting changed, the O.R. was already calling up for me. They were ready for me over an hour before I was supposed to go in. They quickly got me prepped and away I went. Hugs and kisses from Jeff and my mom and then I was getting my lines put in. (IV and arterial line) Christine and Laura were on their way up to see me before I went in but because of the schedule change I missed them. I recognized my nurse right away - she was the same one I had when I was in for brain surgery. This made me feel at ease right away. The doctor and anethetist came in to see me and explain what would be happening and after checking with me numerous times that we were operating on the right side I was pushed into the O.R. They even marked my right side with an (R) to made sure they got the right one. The last thing I remember was being introduced to all the staff who would be working on me and then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room and was completely out of it. I don't remember much of what happened in there but I do remember Jeff and my mom coming in to see me. The lady at the desk was not going to allow it but after talking to my mom and Jeff decided to give them a few minutes with me. The next day or so I was in and out of it. Because I couldn't have an epidural for pain they were giving me some other drugs which made me very dozy. My family has some pretty hilarious stories about me trying to put on lip gloss and falling asleep; getting out of bed very adament about doing things for myself. That doesn't sound like me at all does it?! haha!! The following day after surgery they were able to pull out all my tubes and lines. I have never been hooked up to so many in my life. Getting the chest tube out was a huge relief and I felt much better after that was gone. My sisters took turns spending the night with me in the hospital which ended up being perfect as I was in for two nights. They were so wonderful looking after me and making sure I was comfortable. So after two nights and getting my pain under control the doctor said that I could go home. Thanks to the physiotherapist I had I was able to move around independently and I was determined to get back on my feet. I was so happy to be home and the boys were so happy to see that their mom is doing OK. It's so nice to have this overwith and now just take time to recover before I think about what comes next. We basically wait for the pathology to come back before deciding if I go back on the Interferon again or not. The pathology report could take up to 6 weeks to come back so I really have nothing to do in the meantime but get my strength back. I will keep you all posted....

Thank you to all of you for your prayers, thoughts and well wishes. It gives me the strength to keep fighting!!

One more sleep!!

2010-05-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Well, I leave to go to the retreat tomorrow. So looking forward to it! One of my sisters was able to come with me as there was a last minute cancellation so it should be lots of fun! I spent most of this week at the hospital getting all my pre-op tests and stuff done. The pulmonary function tests (breathing tests) weren't much fun but I made it through. I met with the anesthetist guy and everything looks good. The only concern is the fact that I can not have an epidural which they normally do to help with the post operative pain. Because I still have some swelling of the brain and residual tumour (which they think is inactive) it makes things a little more complicated. That being said they will be giving me some extra freezing and I'll just have to make sure they are giving me enough pain meds. To think that I was hesitant to take any kind of medications not too long ago is a little bizarre. Now whatever they can give me to make me feel normal - I'll take it!

I recently learned a new phrase which has really helped me and will help me along the way. ***realistically hopeful*** This is something that I will really strive to be. Forget all the melanoma horror stories I've heard and all the horrible statistics of this disease. Do I dare hope for a future for myself? I have to. I don't want to live any other way. So although we are realistic about what this disease can do, we are also very hopeful that my case will be different and we hope for a cure!

So, the next time you hear from me will probably be sometime after surgery so in the meantime love life, dream big and believe in miracles!

And don't forget to slather on the sunscreen!!

Summertime!

2010-05-20T06:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I hope everyone is enjoying this beautiful weather we have been having. I got my surgery scheduled as soon as I get back from the retreat in Vancouver. I'm pretty happy about being able to still go. A little nervous about having to go through another surgery but my surgeon is the best so that puts my mind at ease a little. Unfortunately, this is going to be an open surgery as they can't do it endoscopically (through a small incision with a camera) as we were hoping. The nodule is too small for him to get at this way - which is a good thing. I'm anxious to have this thing out and find out if it's cancer or NOT.

We have had to stop the treatments I was on to prepare my body for surgery. This is very disappointing and very difficult for me. I want to be doing everything I can to fight this thing. Hopefully I will be able to restart the treatments after I've recovered. I can just be thankful that I am able to have surgery to remove this.

I am really looking forward to the summer at home with the kids. They are so anxious for school to be out. It will be so nice to have all this time to spend with them. Hope everyone takes the time to enjoy this beautiful sunshine but make sure you cover up!

Retreat here I come!!

2010-05-13T06:39:00.000-07:00

I had a great Mother's Day! We had everyone over to our place and I didn't even have to cook. They all brought supper which was awesome. The kids made me breakfast and even did all the dishes afterwards. The two older ones were fooling around in the kitchen doing the dishes and it brought back so many memories of when I was little. These moments with my boys just seem to matter so much more these days. Why can't everyday be Mother's Day?

I got some exciting news yesterday! I am on my way to a retreat at the end of the month for cancer survivors. I have been thinking about going to this retreat for a few months but wasn't sure how I would be feeling or if I would be able to go. Well, my plane ticket is bought and I am off! Jeff has been on this retreat with my cousin Earl who has osteosarcoma and they had a great time. Jeff thinks that it will be good for me to go and meet some other people going through this. I am hoping that I come back re-energized and ready for the next round of my fight. I still havn't heard from the thoracic surgeon so surgery won't be scheduled for a while. These days I feel like I'm on a rollar coaster with all the ups and downs. The ups are what I live for and I get through the downs.

I am just so thankful to have the time here that has been given to me. This is the greatest gift there is. Time.......

Happy Mother's Day!

2010-05-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

Finally a good day! The sun is shining and it just so happens that I am starting to feel better. It's funny how that works. Sunshine seems to make everything seem to be OK. We've spent the last few days trying to process what we learned on Wednesday and so we're feeling a lot better about things now. This treatment has been taking a lot out of me but I concentrate and live for the good days like today! There are a couple of melanoma stories that I've heard lately which give me new hope. I love to hear the positive outcomes that do happen. I was reading in the paper this past week about the new bill that they are trying to put through about tanning beds. Minors will need permission from a parent before using them and they are making the warning labels clearer and easier to read. Awesome! I never did use tanning beds but I know so many people who do. Hopefully this new bill will help decrease the numbers of people getting melanoma and other skin cancers. We all need to cover up this summer and protect ourselves and our children.

I hope that everyone enjoys their Mother's Day tomorrow! Give your little ones extra hugs and kisses and cherish every moment with them. I know I will be!

Happy Mother's Day!

News....

2010-05-05T13:44:00.001-07:00

Ok, so we didn't get the best news at the doctor today but we're still staying positive. The lung CT I had a few weeks ago shows that the nodule in my right lung has grown and so they suspect that it is cancer. This means I'll be referred to a thoracic surgeon to discuss surgery. Not exactly what we wanted to hear but it could be worse - it could always be worse. The good news is that my brain MRI showed no progression of disease so this is awesome!! This means that the gamma knife surgery worked and now I go back in 3 months for another follow up MRI. We're happy about this.

This is just another obstacle for me to overcome and I'm so thankful that I have so much love and support to get me through this. It sounds like I will be able to continue on with the treatments that I am still taking until surgery and then I will have to break for a couple of weeks before starting up again. We're still hoping that the Interferon will work and stop any further growth in my body.

On a positive note, I went out with my sisters Sunday night to a play/musical here in town. We had a fabulous time and really enjoyed the production. I love just spending time with my two best friends. We laughed alot and it was so nice to have a break from everything.

We got our pictures and they turned out beautiful. Our family won a photo contest just after I was diagnosed and so the photographer came out to our house this winter and took a bunch of shots. My favorite was a shot of all of us piled up in the snow - everyone smiling. Jeff's friend from school entered us in this contest and they liked our story so much that they picked our family. The photos turned out beautiful and we received $1000 worth of them. Thanks Peekaboo Studio Photography! These photos really mean a lot to us. I was saying to Jeff "Wow! I don't look sick and you don't look stressed! She did a great job!"

Cancer.ca

2010-04-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

Hello Everyone!

Well, I hope everyone has recovered from Friday night. I know it took me a couple of days to catch up. Things have been busy around here the last couple of days. I went to another support group meeting and enjoyed talking to everyone. I found out that they are testing a new vaccine for melanoma in Canada. This gives us all hope that they will come up with something soon. On our way home from the meeting we picked up Jeff and the boys from hockey. We were discussing a few things from the meeting and from the back seat my 5 year old says,"Mom just go to cancer.ca. You can get the cure on there." When I asked him how he knew that he said that he heard it on the radio. We all got a chuckle from that. If only it were that simple. It amazes me that our boys are so accepting of what is going on. It has become a natural and normal part of our conversation these days.

We are still waiting for my latest test results. We find out next week the results from my lung CT and my brain MRI. When you have every test and scan imaginable done it doesn't surprise me that they would find some other things going on in my body besides cancer. I found out during one of my scans that I have a goiter on my thyroid. My doctor says that goiters used to be a sign of beauty many, many years ago. I have always been behind the times in fashion, I just didn't know how far behind I was. haha! So now I will be going to see a surgeon to find out what to do about this beauty lump. Maybe they should just leave it and it will come back into style one of these years!

So for now we're just praying that all my scans come back clear and will be very relieved when this happens!!

Thank you!!!

2010-04-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

The social was a huge success Friday night!!! I don't know how to thank everyone enough for their love and support. Thank you just doesn't seem enough. We had donations come in from all over and raised enough funds to pay our cost of my medications plus some. This is a huge relief for us and now we can just concentrate on getting me better. I had a fabulous time and it sounds like everyone else did too.

It was a very crazy day on Friday. My brain MRI was rescheduled and I ended up having to go for that before the social. I thought I could have a rest while inside but I forgot how noisy that machine is. It sounds like a fire alarm going off. Mind you, it is much more comfortable now without a brain tumour! The first time I had an MRI I thought my head was going to explode! So after we were done this (my mom came with me) we ran to Costco to pick up a few things for the social. By the time we got back it was time for me to go get my hair done. Thanks to my fabulous hairdresser!! It was nice to have this time to relax. My in-laws had arrived and Jeff's Aunt and her friend too. It was so great that they could all come. One of my greatest friends stopped in when I got home to say hi. She is an awesome person and I wish we had more time visit! Then it was time to go.

We got to the hall and I was taken by surprise at how wonderful it all looked! I was given a beautiful wrist corsage to wear for the evening. The silent auction tables were loaded with prizes and stretched all the way down the length of the hall! It was awesome!! Thank you to everyone and anyone who donated prizes. There were many raffles and so lots of people left with loot! Everyone who bought a package of tickets for the auction received a lovely flower so it was nice seeing all the woman walking around with flowers. All of the bouquets and flowers around the hall were beautiful! So we visited and danced all night and had a blast! I actually didn't do any dancing but there were lots who did. The music man was a hoot and got everyone up dancing. The food was awesome!! A local farmer donated all the meat which was delicious and our local grocery store supplied the buns. For dessert we had a cake table full of every kind of cake you can imagine. These cakes were all made by family and friends. Everyone loved the cake table!! Yummy!!! There were so many people working hard to make this night as amazing as it was!

I wanted to stand up and say thank you to everyone but I didn't realize how nervous I would be. Good thing I had Jeff standing beside me. It's so hard for me to express in words how I feel. I took a deep breath and said my thank you's. I only teared up a little. I'm feeling quite emotional these days with everything that's happening. I really hope that people can realize how precious life is without having to go through all of this. I wish that I could bottle this feeling up and pass it out to all of you. I am so thankful for every day that I now have. It was just so wonderful to see so many people there! I also received numerous emails and cards from those who couldn't make it sending their love and best wishes. These mean so much to me and I treasure them all.

So I actually made it through the whole night and was one of the last to leave. I was thankful that I was feeling so good. So when I got home it was time for my injection and then off to bed. I didn't get much sleep but the night was so worth it!!!

I would like to send a special thank you to our friends in Benito for their donations and support. The Benito School held a movie night and donated the funds from the canteen to our family which really touched us. We miss all of our friends and the community of Benito!

I will be posting pictures of the evening very soon. I hope everyone had a great time and can't thank you enough for being there for our family! Thank you all!!!!

Feeling the love!

2010-04-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Wow! I can't believe that the social is almost here. My family and friends have been hard at work getting everything planned and ready for Friday night. What a wonderful response we have gotten! I think that there is only a few tickets left floating around. I feel so thankful to have such wonderful friends and family! I am overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity that has been shown to us. I am definitely feeling the love!!! We went and picked up my Aunt from the airport this afternoon after a a quick visit at Cancer Care. Kaden was so excited to go to the airport!! There are so many people coming from all over the place. I can't wait to see you all!

I got a wonderful surprise in the mail yesterday. My sister had emailed Jann Arden (who I love) and told her about me. I went to see her concert with my sister last November. I passed on buying tickets at first - not a priority. Then my big sister called to let me know that she won two tickets and she was giving them to me and my other sister. I was so excited!! I was having some symptoms from the brain tumour at that time. I was seeing two of Jann up on stage and the static echoing through my ears was driving me crazy but what a great concert!! She sounded unbelievable and I left there feeling so alive! We laughed til we cried! She is so hilarious!! Less than two weeks later I got my diagnosis. Since then I listen to her music all the time and it makes me feel better. It got me through Gamma Knife Surgery! So you can imagine how excited I was to get an autographed CD in the mail from her! She also sent another CD and some other stuff for the silent auction! Next time she comes to Winnipeg I will definitely be there!! Love her!

Support

2010-04-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

So it's Wednesday and I'm through the first week of my home therapy. It's gone fairly well I would say. Monday night went well and the symptoms were not as bad. So it seems to just get better the more I take it. I can definitely feel the fatigue setting in now but I'm still able to do my everyday things; it just takes a little more out of me than before. I was able to go to a Support Group for Melanoma patients last night. This is so exciting for me as I have never had the opportunity to meet anyone else with this disease. I was surprised to hear that this is the only Melanoma Support Group around and last night was it's very first night. It seems to me that it is time to shed some light on Malignant Metastatic Melanoma so that no one has to live alone with their disease. I can't even explain what this means to me - to speak to others going through this right now. I was able to meet the person whom I spoke to on the phone when I was making the decision whether or not to take the Interferon. She is an amazing lady! This group is full of kindness and support and I already look forward to the next one. It was so awesome to meet others who know what rigors are!

So I just finished reading the Twilight series and loved it! Nothing like being swept away in a fantasy world of vampires and werewolves to get your mind off of things. I had almost decided that maybe it would be OK to be bitten by a vampire and made immortal but then I thought better not. I wouldn't want to be bloodthirsting after my own children! So now I've moved on to The Secret, a book about being positive in your life and what this brings you. I'm not sure if I buy in to the fact that we attract everything that happens in our lives - both good and bad. I would say that I am a very positive person and never wanted to be in a car accident or diagnosed with cancer. It's how you deal with these situations that matters. It's if you can still be happy with your new changed life. I can't wait to get deeper into this book. So as you can see I've been doing lots of reading with all this extra time. If you've read a good book recently and loved it, let me know!

I am so looking forward to seeing everyone coming to the social next weekend. We have received tremendous support from family, friends and our community! Everyone has worked really hard to bring this together. It's going to be a fun night - a celebration of life!!!

Hats!

2010-04-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

I love waking up to the sun shining throught my window! It has been so beautiful here the last couple of mornings. I was not looking forward to doing my injection Friday, espcially after how I felt on Wednesday. I decided to try doing it a little later in the evening hoping that I would be able sleep through some of the side effects. I took it and laid awake waiting to feel the effects. This time was much better than Wednesday and I actually got some sleep and felt pretty good in the morning. Thank goodness for anti-nauseants and Tylenol!!! I even had some energy so after doing a few things around the house I walked uptown with my sister to meet my mom for lunch. We went to the teahouse (which I love) and my other sister stopped by for a few minutes to say hi. After a yummy lunch (I even had dessert) we went upstairs to look around. I was completely exhausted by the time I got home but what a wonderful day!!!

If you are ever having a bad day or you just need a really good laugh go and try on some hats. Everytime I've been out shopping with my mom and sisters I seem to be drawn to the hats. As soon as I start trying them on all of us end up cracking up and almost peeing our pants from laughing so hard. Hats are fun! Or maybe it's just because I look so silly in a hat. It all started a few months ago when I found myself trying on big, fluffy, fur hats. Then I started trying them on my mom. We were giggling so loud that the salesperson was looking over and giving us dirty looks. The next time it was toques. Toques with pompoms, toques with braids and ballcap looking toques. It was hilarious! Now it's the season for sunhats (which we should all be wearing this summer) and we had a blast trying them on and laughing at ourselves in the mirror. Except my one sister who looks great in every hat - she is definetly a hat girl whereas I am not!

Anyway, hope everyone enjoys the sunshine and if you're down today try modeling some hats!!!

Memories

2010-04-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

I was very happy to have gotten my medication just in time! I went to pick it up on Wednesday and carried it like it was gold to the van. Jeff, my mom and I all went to meet with the Pharmacist at Cancer Care to learn how to do these injections. Seemed a little more complicated then I thought it would be but I'm sure I'll get the hang of it. The pharmacist was great at explaining everything. So I gave myself my first injection while my audience watched and then that was it - that wasn't so bad! The first time is always kind of strange because you don't really know what to expect. Every time I get a break from treatment and then I start again I experience different symptoms. So I wait for something to happen. I felt fine when I got home so I had something to eat and called one of my best friends to chat. We had a great visit, then by the time I got off the phone with her I wasn't feeling too good. Let's just say it was a rough night after that. Jeff jumped in as my nurse again bringing me Tylenol and making sure that I was OK. I am so thankful to have him by my side. He has been my rock through all of this.

The next day I was off to my CT scan with my Dad. It's so great to have such a supportive family. I never have to go to any of these tests or treatments alone. There is always someone there to keep me company. When I walked into the CT department my stomach hit the floor. I havn't been back there since I first found out that I had a brain tumour. The room looked all too familiar. My dad chose to sit in the same chair that my mom had sat in the last time we were here so I sat in the familiar chair beside him. Staring at the clock in front of me, waiting for my turn brought back so many memories. I have had other CT scans since my first one but they have always sent me to the other CT department. After a bit of a wait my name was called. I went in and about 10 minutes later I was done. She said I could change and leave. Now it's always a bit of a shock when they let me go right away. I think I hold my breathe until I hear those words and then I can relax. This CT scan was the easiest one that I have had. They didn't give me contrast so I didn't need an IV and I didn't have to drink their special drink which I found out the last time I am allergic to. So this was awesome! Now it's the waiting game. My doctor is away for three weeks so I'm assuming I won't hear anything until he gets back. Now I shove it to the back of my mind and concentrate on getting my treatment tonight over with. The pharmacist had said that the first two will be the most difficult and then things should settle down after that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!!

Biological therapy

2010-04-07T06:50:00.000-07:00

So today is the big day! I start my at home portion of my treatment. The only problem is there is a apparently a shortage of Interferon right now and I'm having trouble getting it in time to start today. Thinking ahead, I took my prescription in to get filled a couple of weeks ago. They didn't really seem to know what Interferon was and couldn't find it in the computer. So eventually they found it and I asked for it to be ready for April 5th. I thought I'd give myself a couple of days just in case there was a problem. Good thing! When I called on Monday to make sure it was there, she let me know that they hadn't ordered it yet. So when they tried to order it that day, they found out that there is a shortage of it right now. She contacted the drug company and they are trying to get it here for today so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I would hate to have to delay my treatment. I feel for the people who are very ill that have to deal with this all the time. I find it very frustrating navigating through the system! Maybe that's what I'll do when I'm through all this.......help cancer patients figure this out. I should be a pro by then.

We always talk about my treatment in just those words - my treatment. Now I feel that I need to call it something else. Something a little more descriptive and not so vague. Who knows what people could be thinking when I'm talking about my treatment. My middle son was watching TSN the other day and he was very irritated that they were talking about Tiger Woods and him being in treatment. He was anxious to watch the hockey highlights. He said to me, "Mom, I wonder if he's taking the same treatment as you." I chuckled to myself and told him I didn't think so. I was so glad that they hadn't gone into detail about his treatment. So now I have to come up with another term to use in its place.

Other than the whole mess up with my prescription, things are really good right now. I feel great not being on any medications. I am going for a CT scan tomorrow of my lungs to see if this nodule on my right side has grown or not. I am praying that this is not cancer! I'm not very good at this watch and wait thing. I always just want to know so that I can do something about it. Well, I'm off to the gym with my sister this morning. Get in a good workout before my treatment this afternoon. Thank you everyone for all the prayers and well wishes! This has helped me tremendously in staying positive.

It's not just hair.

2010-04-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

We've been having a great Spring Break visiting with family and friends. I've sort of been trying to forget about things this week and just enjoy some time off from everything. You would think that would be an easy thing to do. I finished phase one of my treatment last week and am now getting ready to start the second phase on Wednesday. I am so happy to be able to do this second part at home and not have to go into Cancer Care every day. Maybe life will get back to being somewhat normal....

Back to my story - So now that I had decided to take the biological therapy, it took a lot of the pressure and stress away. Once I made the decision then it seemed to make things a lot easier. I have to admit, I did waiver back and forth a little bit in the next couple of weeks. One of the most difficult things for me is that I have felt fairly healthy throughout this entire time. So why make myself sick? Now I realize that sometimes we have to do things that will affect our bodies in a negative way to get better longterm. Then it hit me. I was standing in the shower washing my hair and as I brought my hands down I realized that I was holding clumps of my hair in my hands. My hair was falling out - in handfuls! This devastated me! I hadn't even started the treatment yet. Why was this happening? The drug that I would soon be taking caused thinning of your hair but not hair loss. Standing there with my hair in my hands I realized that this was really happening. I was sick. I have cancer. It was like I was pretending that it wasn't true and then the reality of it hit me like a tonne of bricks. When I was going in for surgery they made a big deal about not having to shave my head and I was thinking big deal, it's just hair. Well now I've realized that it's not actually the hair loss that is so hard but it's the feelings that come along with it. I have been fortunate enough to have lots of hair to spare and my bald spot is covered up so most people don't even notice. I now have a new appreciation for hair though. I found out that this bald spot I now have is from the Gamma Knife Surgery I had at the end of January. The radiation can cause hair loss.

I have met some amazing people during my month in Chemotherapy. You will find the most positive and inspiring people there. It gives you a new perspective on life - that's for sure. I met a man who was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer and was only given a few months to live. That was 1 1/2 years ago. He told me not to worry about what the doctors say and just trust in God. I was going to be OK he said. It's hard when you look around the room and realize that we are all there for the same reason. Why does cancer exist? I ask myself this all the time. Why are so many of us affected by this disease? It would be hard to find one person that doesn't know someone who has cancer. It's a good thing that they are coming up with new treatments all the time. I feel very fortunate and thankful now for the treatment I have been offered. It may not be a sure thing but at least it's something.

Say Good Bye to Phase 1

2010-03-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my LAST IV treatment!! I feel unbelievable! What a relief to have that part finished and now, to get a week and a half off; I don't even know what I'll do with myself!! The nurses were wonderful today as usual. I am so very thankful for all the amazing staff that work in Chemo. I was expecting when I first started going that it would be a very depressing, sad place to be. It is totally not like that at all. They always have a smile for you from the minute you walk in the door. It has made things so much easier having these special angels taking care of me. I'm also very happy about getting my PICC line out today!! No more worrying about getting it wet in the shower and trying to find a comfortable position to sleep without leaning on my arm too much. My mom and sister took me today so afterwards we went out for dessert to celebrate. Today was a good day!!!!

To Treat or Not to Treat

2010-03-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

I was so relieved to have Gamma Knife out of the way. Now I had about a month to decide whether or not to take the treatment that they were offering me. I had a few visits with the Oncologist to discuss his plan. My options were to take this biological therapy (Interferon), which would include 20 IV treatments at Cancer Care followed by 48 weeks of injections done at home. The side effects of this treatment are too many for me to list, some serious and some minor. The most common ones being extreme fatigue, nausea, chills, fever and basically you feel like you have the flu for a year. I got a chance to talk to the pharmacist and honestly I left there thinking there is no way I'm going to do that! Are they crazy!? This treatment is very contraversial and they can only speculate why it seems to work for some people. Basically, it's used in melanoma to prolong your time between recurrences on average a year. So if your cancer was going to come back in 2 years this drug would extend that to 3 years. Melanoma is a very sneaky and unpredictable cancer so it's impossible for the doctors to guess what it's going to do. They would never have imagined that mine would come back after 9 years. That's pretty much unheard of. Most people have a recurrence between 2 - 5 years. Anyway, so my choices were to take the treatment or not and see what happens.

We decided to put a timeline on this decision so that we weren't stressing about it for a whole month. After lots of discussion with the family, Jeff and I decided to go for it. What else could I do? I had the opportunity to talk to someone else with melanoma who had just finished her treatment which was so helpful for me. If she could do it then so could I. She's an amazing person! Very positive and we talked for over an hour. It was great talking to someone else who was going through something similar to me. I felt that I didn't want to have any regrets about the decisions that I made. If I didn't try it and the cancer came back I wouldn't want to wonder if the treatment would have stopped it. So that was that - the decision was made!

We then figured that since Jeff was going to be on reading week then we should take the kids out of school for the week and just have fun!!! We didn't know exactly how I would be feeling once treatments started so we planned a family week of fun!! It was a blast!! We got the kids to pick their most favorite things to do and we went and did them. I just love watching them laugh and being free! I think Laser Tag and Glow Bowling were our favorites. My arms and legs have JUST recovered from rock climbing!!! Living and becoming part of every moment is something that I strive for all the time now...

The Christmas Bell

2010-03-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got back from my treatment tonight and I'm feeling pretty good. Wednesday and Thursday were a little rough probably because I had the week before off but now I think that my body is getting used to it again. I only have 2 left and then I get 10 days off. I'm pretty pumped about this - just in time for Spring Break!!

I want to rewind for a minute back to just after my surgery. I forgot to tell you the best Christmas story! A few days after surgery I was recovering at home and the boys were being so loveable and helpful. They really wanted their mom to get better soon. They would all come into my room regularly asking me if I needed anything. Gavin came in one day (he's 8) and when I told him that I was fine he ran out to our Christmas tree and brought me back a little jingle bell ornament. He told me that all I had to do was ring the bell and he would come check on me. So cute! So the next day I was getting something off my bedside table and I knocked the bell to the floor. Well, all of a sudden I had my three boys running into my room to see what they could do for me. When I told them that I had knocked the bell off accidently and after convincing them that I really didn't need anything they went back to what they were doing. I have the 3 most wonderful boys!! They have really helped me through this giving me ample hugs and kisses!

Anyway, better get to bed and cozy into my electric blanket before the chills start. I will be giving my boys extra hugs tonight!!!

Gamma Knife

2010-03-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

Well, it was time for gamma knife surgery to clean up any cancer cells left after surgery. Apparently, there are microscopic cells left after a surgery like mine that they want to get rid of before they grow into another tumour. Gamma knife is sort of like radiation but not. It is when they use tiny gamma rays, all focused around the tumour so that they meet right at in the middle. This minimizes radiation exposure so that they can use very high doses which is what melanoma responds to. Melanoma is not treated with your typical radiation because they can't use the high doses that they would need to without damaging the brain too much. I was admitted at 5:30 a.m. that morning so I was more than a little bit tired. I actually got a pretty good sleep that night even though I was a pretty anxious. There were 5 of us all waiting for gamma knife and when the nurse came to walk us down I couldn't help but laugh with Christine (my sister). I felt like we were walking the green mile or something. We were all walking single file behind the nurse and it made me feel like we were prisoners on our way to meet our destiny. Never mind in the waiting room when a discussion took place about "What each of us were in for". I guess you had to be there...

Anyway, I got my IV put in (something that I was getting very used to by now). And next it was time to get my headgear on that I would wear for most of the morning. Two doctors attached this Hannibal Lector looking device to my head. They cursed my hair as they did this because it was getting in their way. Eventually they got it secured and yes they did use a local anesthetic to make me more comfortable. I got wheeled out into the waiting area and the next patient got called in. Of course they were all asking me how it felt and if it hurt. I felt a little weird being the only one with this contraption on my head but soon enough we were all looking the same. We looked like we were going to a Star Wars convention or something. Christine took pictures, of course, this was a Creative Memories moment! Now I got wheeled down to MRI for my scan. They attached a box onto my headgear and secured me to the machine. What a weird feeling! I started thinking..... What if there is a fire and they forget about me? or what if Jason with his hockey mask comes in? There is no way that I could get out on my own. I was feeling very helpless laying there and just wishing it would be over quickly. Then I went to the spa. This is a place I go to often in my mind. I start thinking about being in the mineral pool, relaxing and all of a sudden I am there. It really does work for me and I forget about all of my fears.

Next, it was time for my head CT and this was much quicker and not as uncomfortable as the MRI. Getting around with this contraption on was something else. I got up to use the washroom and the weight was unreal. I made it through the doorway without hitting my now giant head! When I got back to the gamma knife area the doctor brought around doughnuts for all of his patients. What a nice guy! Or maybe this is his bribe for letting him do this to us?! Whatever, I love doughnuts!!! Being in the gamma knife area was such an amazing experience. It was so quiet and peaceful and really made you feel at ease. They had nice spa music playing and the staff was so relaxed.You could tell that they all really like working there. The team there figuring out my treatment plan was a Radiation Oncologist, a Neurosurgeon and a Physicist. They each had their own specialty and I completely trusted them. I was then secured to the bed by my head contraption so that I wouldn't be able to move my head and they began my treatment. This lasted for an hour and I did not feel a thing the entire time. It helped that they let me bring in a CD to listen to during this time. I brought in Jann Arden of course. (I love her!) My sister and I had gone to see her the end of November and we had a great time. Even with seeing two of Jann and hearing some static in my ears it was awesome! I can't imagine going now that I'm feeling better! So they acutally play the music through the gamma knife machine speakers! It sounded great!

After the hour they came into get me. As he was taking off the head gear that was I used to wearing at that point I felt relief at first, then the headache started. They apparently call this a rebound headache and some people get this when all of the pressure is released by removing the head gear. This lasted about 30 minutes and after some Tylenol and a little rest I was fine. Ready to go! My Aunt had come to check on me and we had a bit of a visit before we left. I felt bad as I left everyone else waiting for their turn with the head contraption on. I was lucky to be the first one in to get it over with but felt like I was deserting my fellow Star Wars fans. I met a really nice lady while we were waiting for our MRI so she called me over to ask about how it felt and what it was like. She had been getting brain tumours since she was in her 20's and had many different treatments to get rid of them. This was the first time for gamma knife and I could really see what an amazing gift this is. Gamma knife saves people's lives and we are lucky enough to have one in Winnipeg. We also have very talented Doctors who are specialized enough to use it. All I had was 4 tiny holes where the pins had been placed! Much better than surgery! I am very thankful for this!!

Treatment

2010-03-22T13:50:00.000-07:00

I was pretty amazed at how quickly I healed from surgery - so was everyone else. We got together with a lot of family over the holidays and everyone was so surprised at how normal I looked. I was feeling a little "different" than normal. Everything around me was so different. I could see so much better and everything looked so much brighter and clearer. My hearing was intensified - I felt a little like I had super powers. I'm not sure if this was from having surgery or getting used to not having the tumour anymore. I did have major issues with my depth perception. I kept banging my head on walls and doors for some reason. I was walking around with a goose egg on my forhead for weeks just like a baby learning to walk. Jeff found this quite amusing! My sisters and I had been going to our local gym and working out for months so within a couple of weeks I decided it was time to get back into it. I could only walk while they ran beside me but it was so nice to get out of the house and get some exercise. Another couple of weeks and I would be running beside them. I really cherished this time with them and was so happy that I was well enough to do it.

I went in to see the Oncologist at the end of January to get all of my results back. I was so nervous to hear what he had to say. During every test that I had, I was trying to read the technologist to see if I could feel some vibes from them. Was it normal? Was something there? It didn't work! I couldn't tell at all what they were seeing. They did call me back in after my PET scan for an MRI of my liver which was very worrisome. But I stayed positive and really believed that it would come back as nothing. So when I went in to see the Oncologist, he let me know that the only thing abnormal that they could find was a little spot on my lung. Everything else was clear!!! What a relief! The spot on my lung he wasn't sure whether it's cancer or not so I will have another scan in three months to see if it has changed in size. It was sort of bitter sweet hearing this news. At least there wasn't any other large tumour anywhere like they initially thought! This proves that the brain tumour came from the skin lesion I had years ago. This means that I have Stage IV metastatic melanoma NED. (No Evidence of Disease) Therefore, there is treatment for me.

We discussed treatment using Interferon and he explained what this would involve. I learned that this treatment was very contraversial and so were it's results. I had a lot to think about in the next few weeks and I had to get ready for Gamma Knife Surgery the following day....

Ready for Christmas

2010-03-21T06:19:00.000-07:00

After I got lots of hugs and kisses from my boys it was time to have a little rest. Christine was here looking after me and making sure that I was all right. It wasn't long after I got home that I started thinking that my doctor was crazy. The kids were running around yelling and playing and I really was not feeling well. My head was pounding and the noise was just making it worse. I started thinking that maybe it was too soon for me to be at home. This really only lasted for about a day until I got the pain under control and the boys realized that I was really not feeling good so they were much quieter. It was almost Christmas though so they were very excited! I was determined to make this the best Christmas ever! We never know what is going to happen tomorrow so we need to really live for today.

We spent the next few days getting ready for Christmas. I remember walking in Walmart and having the most bizarre feeling. One minute you're carrying on with your daily life, the next minute you realize that you may not be here tomorrow, then you're walking in Walmart shopping as if nothing happened. People were rushing around smashing their carts into each other and I'm thinking: Relax people! Life is short! I actually met a woman in line who had just survived a heart attack. I let her ahead of us becuase she only had a few things and we started talking. When I told her that I had just had brain surgery she was shocked and we talked about how you never know what other people are going through.

I then got a phone call from the medical oncologist's nurse. He wanted to see me before Christmas so two days later I was in his office. This is when we found out that maybe the cancer hadn't spread from somewhere else. Maybe it had been from the skin lesion that I had in 2001. When I was pregnant with Gavin I had a mole removed from my temple. I really wasn't worried about it. Then I got a call from the surgeon who removed it and he wanted to see me in his office right away. It was my last day of work before going on maternity leave. This is when I found out that it was melanoma and they needed to do a wide excision after I had the baby. I have been seeing an Oncologist at Cancer Care ever since and there has never been anything else to worry about. Usually, the type of lesion that I had would be removed and that would be the end of it. After 5 years of follow up I was reassured that since it didn't come back within this time frame it wouldn't come back. I was still receiving follow up as they were looking for a new lesion. We were thrilled to find out that maybe the brain tumour was from my previous skin lesion! Maybe it wasn't what the Neurosurgeon initially thought and the cancer hadn't spread through my body. This was very good news for us. The Oncologist also let me know that he was going to be taking good care of me and that made me feel so much better. We talked with him for about an hour and I was so relieved when we left. He was scheduling a battery of tests to see where exactly the cancer was.

Over the next few weeks I would have a full body CT scan, a PET scan, a bone scan, an MRI of my chest and lots of blood work. This was the hardest part for me. Waiting for all my results.....

Discharged home

2010-03-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

My mom and I spent alot of time talking during the night. We were both still in shock over what was happening. I couldn't sleep anyway because of the neurological checks, they were waking me up for every half an hour. I passed them all with flying colors. Yes, I knew what my name was and where I was. I did experience some pain once the general anesthetic had worn off but after a bag of codeine and some T#3's I was comfortable. The morning came and it was time for the doctors rounds. This was an interesting experience! They sort of talk about you like you're not there and there were some words between two of them which weren't very nice. I felt like sticking up for my surgical resident and saying excuse me. He just saved my life. Leave him alone!! But I stayed out of it and just listened intently to what they were saying. It sounded like I was doing really well. I would be going down for a CT scan for them to see how things looked. My surgeon came in a little while later and he looked a lot happier than the previous day. He said, "Ready to go home?" Are you kidding me? I would love to go home and see my boys! I thought at first that he was joking but no, he was completely serious. Wow! You can have brain surgery then go home the next day?! I stayed longer in the hospital when I had Kaden.

The surgeon then noticed Michael (my brother-in-law) standing there with his coat on that reads: Gift of Life Program. Michael works for this program coordinating transplants. My surgeon had a very confused look on his face. He kept looking over at Micheal, then over at me. I told him that this was my brother-in-law and then he understood why he was there. Not to take my organs! As he was leaving to arrange my discharge he says to Michael, "You just leave her alone." It was so hilarious! We all couldn't stop laughing. He has a great sense of humour. I love that! Not everything has to be all serious all the time. I have laughed a lot through all of this. It makes me feel so much better. So the saying must be true: Laughter is the best medicine.

I got all of my tubes and lines out and went down for my head CT. It wasn't long when I came back up that they had the results and everything looked good. The physician's assistant was super nice and even showed us the before and after CTs. It was so unreal to see the first one where there was a huge tumour and then the after where it was just gone! I had some breakfast and then that was it - I could leave. When Jeff came in he was surprised, to say the least, that they were letting me go. They had initially told us that I would be in for 3 days. I was very anxious to get home though. There really wasn't anything they could do for me that I couldn't do at home. And this was during the H1N1 outbreak so I really just wanted to be at home. As Laura was wheeling me out everyone was waving and wishing me all the best. We have so many caring and compassionate health care staff. As I was being wheeled out that day I was so full of joy. I felt so thankful for everything in my life and I couldn't wait to hug my boys!

Our Christmas Miracle

2010-03-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

This is the most amazing part of my story and I hope that I can describe it as being the magical experience that it was. I was transferred onto a stretcher and made comfortable by my nurse. She had never met me before yet she was so caring and compassionate towards me. We talked about why I was here and I saw the sadness in her eyes. I would get used to "the look". The look that I would get many, many times in a day. The look that I would respond to by reassuring people that I was going to be fine. It was OK - I was going to make it. The resident anesthesia guy and the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me. I went through my diagnosis with them and again why I was there. I saw the look again. I explained that I was going to be OK and that I was strong and healthy. The anesthesiologist commented on how great it was that I was so positive and that a great attitude makes such a big difference. He told me that they were going to take very good care of me and I knew that this was true. I put all of my faith and trust in them. After they left to go and get ready for surgery the nurse came back to get me. I asked her if they put a little something in my IV because I was surprised at how relaxed I felt. No just my antibiotic and my drug to bring down the swelling in my brain. Wow!!

As I was wheeled into the operating room I was sure that I had entered another world. It was like a time warp into the future. Everything looked so high-tech and complicated. The OR was amazing looking! The surgical resident came over and introduced himself and let me know he would be operating on me with the Neurosurgeon. They started attaching some equipment to me and that was the last thing that I remember. I was out! So during the next 1 1/2 hours I was unaware obviously of what was happening. My family, I found out later, was being kept up to date with how things were going. We had an angel in the OR! This is when the miracle happened..... The surgeon came out to let my family know that they got it all. The tumour was gone. It ended up being bigger then they thought - about the size of his fist. But it was gone! I woke up in the recovery room and the surgeon came in to let me know the good news. Although he had the most serious look on his face the entire time. Yes it was the melanoma - cancer but all I heard was that they got it all. They allowed Jeff and my mom into see me. I knew it was good news as soon as I saw their faces. Happy!! All of the prayers and good thoughts worked! The surgery was a complete success. It couldn't have gone any better! We were so happy and so was the surgical team. It was like everyone was celebrating this victory! A miracle!!

I had no ill effects from this surgery which was another reason to celebrate. A lot of times brain surgery can cause other problems but I had none. It truly was a miracle! I did NOT have to have my head shaved because the surgeon just parted my hair at the incision site and clipped along this line. You couldn't even tell. They even washed my hair before I woke up!! Unbelievable! I got to visit for a few minutes with the family before having a rest. I was actually feeling pretty good considering I was just waking up from brain surgery. I even had a nice chat with the nurse about her husband who also has melanoma. He had a skin lesion years ago and thankfully has been fine ever since. It's amazing I find how you can connect with so many people when you can relate to their experiences. I spent a few hours in the recovery room before being transferred to the step down unit where they would monitor me closely overnight. My mom stayed with me over night to help take care of me. I am so fortunate to have a mother that loves me with such intensity. I know that she will always be there for me - no matter what. This is part of the magical feeling that I have experienced. I could feel so much love from all of you! The emails, the phone calls, the notes and cards. I really could feel it all from you and it gave me so much strength and determination! I am thrilled that I have so many people fighting along beside me and I thank you all for this!

A break from treatment

2010-03-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I received some disappointing news today from my nurse. I have been taking a biological therapy treatment for the last 3 weeks. They are stopping my treatment for a week because of my blood results. Apparently my neutrophils have become too low and this leaves me vulnerable to infection so we have to take a break. I was so looking forward to finishing up this last week before going on the self injections. I'm really looking forward to getting my PICC line out. I almost burst into tears on the phone with her this afternoon. I guess I'm a bit of an over-achiever. I wanted everything to go perfectly. Now things are delayed by a week and next week when I start up again they can only give me half of the dose. Will this affect the end result of taking this treatment? Just one more question to ask my doctor and I already know what the answer will be. "We don't know". There is so much unknown about this disease and the treatment for it that I find so frustrating! I should listen to Jeff. He says that maybe a break would be good right now. Give me some time to recuperate and get feeling better before starting up again. He's probably right.

Anyway, back to my story......

It was time for surgery and I had to face all of my biggest fears. What was going to happen? The boys went to school as normal on this day. We really wanted to keep them in their routines as much as possible. They are surrounded by very caring, loving teachers and staff at their schools which I took for granted before now. I was nervous but like I said I felt a calmness come over me. Waiting in the day surgery area was not much fun at all. The receptionist there was very loud and obnoxious yelling at everyone. Jeff and I went for a walk to get away from all the craziness. It was making me very uptight and stressed. I really think that when you're waiting to go in for surgery, whether it's a toenail removal or brain surgery that they should have a nice, peaceful area for you to relax. Maybe some nice spa music and soft lighting. Anyway, I still have to write my letter to the hospital making these suggestions. This was the one and only negative part of my experience at HSC so I guess I shouldn't complain. I was surrounded by family while we waited for my turn. Jeff, my mom, Christine, Laura and my Auntie Debbie were all here to visit with me while we waited. My dad stayed back at home to pick Kaden up from school and look after the kids until Jeff got home.

As the hours went by I started to get more and more panicked. My surgery was supposed to be hours ago but apparently they had changed the time and didn't tell us. They also ran into complications during the surgery before mine so it was delaying things. I was hoping that this unknown person would be alright. I tried remaining patient as a good patient should. I'd rather the surgeon take his time and maybe even have a little rest before beginning my surgery. Then I saw him.... They wheeled a patient in on the stretcher across from me and I knew right away that it was him. My Grandpa!? I could not take my eyes off of him. I knew that it couldn't really be him as my Grandpa had passed away years ago yet here he was in front of me. He looked over at me with the same smile I recognized from when I was a little girl and he nodded his head as if to say to me, "Everything's going to be OK, sweetheart." I looked over at my mom and she was just as shocked as I was. So it wasn't in my head. She recognized him too!! I could not look at anything other than him. The doctor came in and gave him some bad news and his daughter started crying but he was still looking over at me smiling and nodding his head. A thought popped into my head. Was he here for me? Is this what happens? But I knew by the way he was looking at me that no he wasn't taking me anywhere and I was going to be OK. It was a sign that I was going to be looked after by my loved ones. My mom and I talked about it later and she felt the same way that I did. Peaceful, calm, and reassured.

The nurse then came in to let us know that they may have to postpone my surgery. What??!! We were all not happy to say the least. Postpone until tomorrow? This would mean that I would have to go home for the night and go through all this again the next day. No way!! No one was very happy about this. Not long after her announcement she came back in to say that the surgeon was ready for me. Thank goodness. Back to feeling calm again. As I am wheeled through the halls everything was a blur. Literally, because they had taken my glasses from me. I couldn't see much of anything. The boy pushing my wheelchair looked no older than Tyler. He stopped so that we could all say our goodbyes - for now. We all ended up in tears and I had a hard time letting go of Jeff. The boy continued on down the hall and through the doors into surgery........

A new baby brother??

2010-03-15T08:25:00.000-07:00

Now Jeff and I had to decide how we were going to talk to the boys and what exactly we were going to tell them. We decided to tell them individually so that they could ask whatever questions they needed to without their brothers around. First we talked to Kaden. When we explained that I was going to be in the hospital for 3 days Kaden's eyes lit up with excitment! "We are getting a new baby brother!!" He was so excited!!! I had to explain that no we weren't having a new baby but that the doctor was going to make mommy's headaches go away. "Oh" He was quite let down but gave me a hug and said "I hope you feel better". He is so sweet! Tyler and Gavin were both relieved to hear that I wouldn't be having headaches anymore but they both worried about their mom having surgery. We decided not to bring up the C***** word to them yet. Afterall it might be benign right??

I was scheduled for surgery on the 15th of December - six days after I was diagnosed. During that week I was busy getting ready. Good thing Jeff had finished all of our Christmas shopping and decorating our house. I wasn't into it this year because I had been feeling so unwell. He even had all the presents wrapped and under the tree. Good thing! I had many appointments to go to during this week. I had a brain MRI, x-ray, blood work and I met with the anesthesia doc. Everything looked good. Sitting in the MRI waiting room I remembered I hadn't filled out my donor card yet. One more thing I couldn't put off anymore so I pulled it out and filled in the boxes. I kept myself busy this week getting my house ready for Christmas. I even thought about cleaning out my closet but never did. What if something happens to me? Who will get stuck cleaning out my junk? These are the things that I thought about this week. Will I get to see the boys open all their presents Christmas morning? I went out and bought them the G.I. Joe box set of movies and gave them an early present (just in case).

I pleaded with God alot this week begging him to give more time. My boys need their mom around. I need to watch them grow up! As the surgery date came closer instead of becoming more anxious I actually had this amazing calmness come over me. Everything was going to be alright, I just new it had to be. We would pray for a Christmas miracle!

The beginning

2010-03-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought I would start a blog so that my friends and family would be able to follow along on my journey with me. For those of you who don't know I was diagnosed with metastatic melanoma in December this past year. It was a day I can't seem to erase from my mind. I went in for a CT scan because of some headaches I was having. When the technician told me to take a seat in the waiting room I had a feeling that something was not right. When everyone else was aloud to leave right after their CT and I was still sitting there I knew that something was wrong. The Neurosurgeon came in to escort my mom and I over to his office and my heart dropped into my stomach. What was the big deal I kept thinking to myself. I just have a sinus headache. When he sat us down he starting trying to get my history but I just wanted to know what was wrong. He finally told us that I had a large brain tumour and I would need surgery right away to have it removed or I could leave it alone and I would die. I obviously chose to have surgery and signed the consent right away. He wasn't very postitive about this surgery telling us that most likely they wouldn't be able to remove the entire tumour and also he was 100% certain that it was from another site. He was sure that there was another even bigger tumour in my body somewhere. I just kept looking over at my mom and we were in complete shock.

Jeff called me then and the doctor left the room to give me some time to talk to him. I explained what was happening and he left to meet us at the hospital. The nurse came in to discuss the surgery with us and my new diagnosis. She explained that I had to be on a drug to relieve the extensive swelling in my brain which was causing most of my symptoms. She started asking me about my children and we both wound up in tears. What was I going to tell them? This has been the hardest thing that I have had to deal with. We then left to meet my dad and Jeff who were picking us up. We all met at my sister and brother-in-laws house and talked a little about what was going to happen. How your life can change in an instant! People always ask me what my symptoms were. I know that alot of people experience headaches and have sinus trouble but this is what I experienced: headaches which would make me vomit, blurred vision, double-vision, muscle spasms in my legs and static sound and fluid in my ear. You would think that I would figure out that something was more wrong but I didn't.